11 December 2024
This is not exactly how I thought my first blog post would look like, but as I’m sitting in my room trying to spend time with God, and really reconnect with Him, I felt Him urging me to share my heart with you all.
Recently I have been finding it hard to find that hunger to read my bible and spend time with God. It’s always been normal for me to see it as a chore. I don’t believe that it is sometimes bad to see it this way, but I think there comes a point in your faith that this time spent with God becomes the food for your soul that without it you feel empty. I will say that I definitely feel empty when I haven’t read my bible or spent time in prayer with God, but what I’m really lacking is a desire or motivation to pursue Him. Sometimes I think that people in the Christian faith believe that the longer you follow God the easier it gets. I’m sure there comes a point that building your relationship with God personally helps make things easier, but there is always going to be a battle of sin trying to pull you away. I could probably list at least 10 ways just today I have seen sin make it harder for me to come to God. Whether it’s excuses or worldly temptations, I feel my head is full of reasons why I should not go to God. Once the school year started I felt like I had more “valid” excuses why it was okay to skip my devotional time every once in a while. Well, that every once in a while turned into a couple times a week, and then more often then not it was a waiting game to see when I’d open my bible and pray to God again. When this happens it becomes even harder for me to come back to God because I know I messed up, I know that I turned into sin, and worse I disappointed Him. It felt like if I called He wouldn’t answer me. I hated myself for the good relationship prior I had left and ruined. I was on top of my faith and felt so close to God. I heard Him speak sometimes and for the first time ever truly saw Him move in my life through answering small little prayers. But now, I struggle to hear His voice. In fact I rarely do, and that scares me. When I come back to God I always say that I’m going to do better. I need to do better. But it was always just empty words. I never followed through and felt even worse that I kept falling into the pit again and again.
Recently, my time with God has looked like reading scripture and my devotional book for the Race called “The Art of Listening Prayer”. The first day I read this book, one of the questions I asked God was “Is there any way in which I have offended You?” I did not exactly expect to hear God the way I did, but pretty much I felt Him sayings that my feelings towards us drifting apart are even more painful for Him because He has always been there. I had said that I felt far from Him and that’s what was keeping me away. But He told me it was I who put myself there. I created that separation and was the one who wasn’t coming closer to Him. I realized that I hurt God in blaming Him for my actions. He never didn’t want to answer me. He wants to be close and have a relationship with me. This was what I felt I exactly needed. God let me know that I am not as far as I thought from Him because He has never left or forsaken me (Deuteronomy 31:8). This was when I hoped I would have a revival in my heart. Little did I know that the days that followed, doing the listening prayer I would not hear God’s voice and it would continue to push me away. I still was missing my motivation and it was keeping me from trying to connect with God and hear Him so that our relationship is not only one voice. I didn’t want to sit in my room for an hour trying to hear God when I lacked the faith He’d come, even after hearing Him the first time. It feels silly and embarrassing to say it out loud the little faith I have.
Yesterday, I was so tired of waiting on things to get better. I wanted help. Someone to hold me accountable. Someone to lead me out of this dark tunnel. I decided to watch a sermon or podcast to get my “time with God” in because I felt no motivation to try and fail with my bible and devotion. So I turned on my tv and it led me to a video of Nabeel Qureshi, author of “Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus”, as he shared his testimony of conversion from Muslim to Christianity. I was brought to tears from the ways that God revealed Himself to this man. It was such a powerful testimony, but I was so desperate for that same relationship with God. I wanted God to reveal Himself and seek me like he did with Nabeel. All I could think about was how can I see what a treasure Jesus is, like others do, when He’s all I’ve known. I don’t know a life without Him being my hope. So how can I see the greatness of Him saving me when I don’t always see what he’s saved me from. I’ve always tried to be good. I know I’m a sinner, but sometimes it’s hard to see that if I’ve always believed in Him then I’ve always been saved. I went to Him in prayer just crying and admitting my questions and thoughts. I wasn’t afraid to say those things because I know that Jesus said He is not afraid of our questions. So today when I came to do what I always do, hoping I would hear Him but lacking the faith I would, I felt a need to pray right at the beginning. No devotional. No led prayer. Just talking through with God about how can I fix this. How can I fix what I’ve done? After just pouring my heart out to God and addressing my failures and giving my excuses and worldly temptations to Him, God showed me a light. He’s brought a motivation and I am going to go to my parents to help hold me accountable. I’ve realized that for some time I was hoping that once I came home from my Race I’d be who God wanted me to be and in a place that satisfied me spiritually, but now I realize that this is what I need to do now. Because on my mission, I’m not there for me, but for God and how He’ll use me. Yes, I will grow, learn, and look more like Jesus, but I want to be the person God wants me to be now, so when I go I can make the greatest impact I am able, all for Him and His glory.
Pray for me. Pray that God will continue to work in my heart and fill me with His desires. I want to be spiritually full when I leave and I know that it will take a lot of work. Pray that I wouldn’t fall again. That God would continue to hold me up when my legs are weak and tired. Thanks for hearing my heart. It’s not a perfect story. I’m not a perfect person. I’m just a sinner who loves her Savior and wants to continue to do better for Him.
Jaydin
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