We all have a story. It’s part of being human, part of being a disciple. There is power in our stories and the more I mature the less ashamed I am of my own story, because through all my struggles the Lord is glorified and in all my failure His love reigns true.
It wasn’t until this past year that I was able to share my testimony in full transparency and today I am writing it down for you all.
I always had reason to believe, I grew up in a loving family who served the Lord. All 8 of us kids were home schooled and for as long as I can remember I believed in Jesus. However, in a fallen world, the enemy will do anything to steal, kill, and destroy. On the outside my life looked put together, almost perfect, but the real fight was always in my own mind. My biggest enemy was myself. We can always point the finger, blaming our circumstances on the world around us. Sure people have fallen short, things have been messy and dirty, this is what you can expect in a fallen world. In the end, through all of my life I’ve seen the same pattern: the way I view myself, and the way I view others directly correlates with how I see my Heavenly Father.
From a very young age, I saw the people I loved most walk through some of the hardest things. I remember growing up and watching my oldest sister walk away from her faith. She was one of my biggest role models and I remember she always wanted to be a missionary. When I saw her walk away, I wondered if their was truth behind what she was believing and I also promised myself I wouldn’t be a missionary, but here we are now! I watched many of my other sisters walk through eating disorders, self hatred, anxiety, and depression. To me it just felt like the reality of life, until I watched many of them walk out of it with freedom. When I was 15, one of my closest friends openly talked to me about being suicidal and that was a heavy thing to carry. I would stay up until 3am on the phone with my friend trying to speak life into him. However, he was never a believer, so in his eyes there was no greater purpose. I was a Christian, so wouldn’t I see the value in my own life? Well maybe I did, but at moments I saw nothing of true value in my own life.
I can still remember distinctly the thoughts in my own head, eating me alive, fighting for my own life. I hated myself and maybe it was because I didn’t know who God was truly. Slowly, being around the thought of death impacted my own mind. Talking to my friend made me question what my true purpose was. I didn’t even know if there was a good God out there, so I saw nothing in my life as good. So in the midst of me fighting for my friends life, I was holding tightly onto my own. I was full of shame. I battled with lust, self hatred, and hatred of the world. But on the outside I held it all together, I would go to church, but would sit in the bathroom stall, avoiding everyone and everything. I didn’t have many close friends who truly believed in God,so it was hard to see the truth of who He was. However, it all starts with one little step, one true realization. For me it was realizing I couldn’t save my friend if I couldn’t even save myself. I needed something bigger to keep me alive. So it started with practical things, like getting a job and working out. Making little goals that would get me out of my own head. I knew deep down that there was a God out there and He had to be bigger than my own mind. The first thing I remember crying out to the Lord for was true Godly friendships. Immediately God answered my prayer, because almost right after these two girls from my church started talking to me at my brothers baseball game. Through them I actually started to get connected at my church. After that, I met one of my closest friends, Cara. I remember thinking she was an angel when I first met her because I had never had anyone see me and love me the way she did. She showed me a glimpse of the Father’s love for me. We went through John together and that was the first time I truly sat down to read the bible intentionally. After that moment, I have always had women of God in my life, friendships that have truly shaped me. I know for a fact the God answered that prayer for me, and I wouldn’t have been the person I was in high school without my friends.
I got more and more connected to my church and because of that I was able to go on a missions trip to Nicaragua in 2021. I truly don’t know how I ended up going on that trip, but it was a simple yes and after I took that step God did the rest. It was truly one of the most life changing moments of my life, it showed me how powerful our God truly is and how real the spiritual realm is. It was the first time I really experienced spiritual warfare, or at least was able to pin point it. I was so impacted by this trip, that I went back for a month that following summer as an intern for the missionaries there. I can’t even start to explain all that the Lord did through me on that trip, it is a whole different story of its own. When I got back though, I was even more eager to serve those around me, so I joined worship team and had my own small group Junior year of high school.
Junior year was a sweet time, full of genuine relationships, something I prayed for for a long time. However, with every sweet season the enemy still tries to steel, kill, and destroy. Being apart of the worship team and leading a small group revealed a lot of messy things about the church. None of it truly sat right with me so I became bitter. I allowed myself to build up resentment towards the church which in return made me question the character of God. During the winter of my Junior year, I walked through a winter season. It was difficult questioning God yet again after a spiritual high with my trip to Nicaragua. However, this time I didn’t do it alone, I wrestled with God and because of that I learned things that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t walked through that season of doubts.
Again in my life I had an opportunity to say yes so something quite simple, and that was running track my Junior year. This was something that genuinely pulled me out of a darker season, because almost immediately I started going to every preseason practice and I pushed myself mentally and physically for something bigger than myself. I have always seen the value in sports and I think it taught me a lot about myself for the next two years of high school. I was forced to work through my anxious thoughts before a race and it taught me how to practically stop the circle of anxiety in a moment. I grew super close to my team and the sport was something I looked forward to doing every day. I was able to set practical goals for myself at the end of my Junior year of track and to my surprise I was able to overcome every single goal I set for myself Senior year. I grew in confidence and also grit as my coach liked to say.
All of senior year was a blur. I didn’t want to think about my future, or I wouldn’t think of anything except for my future. Fall semester I had just gotten out of a relationship, so I used that to push myself into becoming almost a workaholic. All I remember doing was working, going to the gym, and going to classes. I don’t think it was a bad thing, but it became a little exhausting. The thing that held me together was my bible study with my 8 closest friends and church with my family. All of senior year, my goal and dream after graduating was to become a firefighter. Although I was able to come up with valid reasoning for wanting to do this, most of my reasoning came from my own pride, so I wouldn’t give up on this dream. I was always working toward this goal of being a firefighter my senior year. However, the one thing I never did was pray about it, I was scared of God leading me down another path. Early in the spring semester however, two of my closest friends witnessed a gruesome and very heartbreaking motorcycle accident. I saw how much it impacted them and after that many people would warn me of just how mentally challenging firefighting would be. I liked to think I would be able to handle it, but I also knew that I was only thinking that because of my own pride. I wasn’t really at peace with the direction I was taking after graduation, and I knew deep down that I had to humble myself and realize that maybe this wasn’t what God had in store for me right now. The only person I was hurting was myself and I had to come to terms with that. The day after graduation I changed all of my plans and started looking into missions again. I knew how much I loved missions and it was the first thing I actually prayed about. I felt at peace with the World Race almost immediately. I know it’ll challenge me a lot, which can be scary, but also I wouldn’t want to be challenged by anything else.
My story consists of one simple yes after another. God intentionally knew what He was doing with each little step of obedience, and whenever I chose to let Him, He gave me more than I could ever imagine.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.”
-John 15:2-3
