For the last week I have been in Gainesville, Georgia for training camp. I am going to be honest, it was/is hard. It was not physically difficult and we were not doing hard things, but for me mentally it was frustrating, draining, and tough. This is not what I expected at all. So here is what happened…
If you asked me in January how I was feeling about going on the race, I was so excited. If you asked me in April how I felt, I was so nervous. If you asked me 8 hours before having to say goodbye to my parents how I was feeling, I was stoked. As soon as my mom left me at the Atlanta airport, I felt scared, nervous, and like I wanted to go home. I finally got the courage to go sit with the other racers while we waited to get picked up. Usually going up to people and introducing myself to strangers is super easy for me. In this case, it was not. I was hesitant, awkward, and probably had the worst RBF known to man. I slowly warmed up and met the people that I had only seen through a cellphone screen. As I was talking with others, I was quickly finding out information about the race that I did not know prior, sending me into a little bit of a panic. I quickly whipped out my computer and scanned through everything I needed before getting to the base where training camp is held. After waiting in the airport for four and a half hours, we got picked up and made the hour-and-a-half drive to the base. We arrived and the excitement I had felt in January slowly started to arise again. Check-in went smoothly and dinner was decent, while we went over rules and expectations and slowly introduced ourselves to each other.
I think processing all the new information was a lot for me to handle as I was in such a new environment and then had to adapt to the fact that the leadership team does not tell you a lot of information as well. For my “type A” personality, this was hard to grasp. I went to bed Friday night questioning what I signed myself up for and already missing my family. I understood that I was called to do this and that God has a plan for me and the people I am surrounded by is not an accident. Throughout the week I continued to question everything. Things did not live up to the expectations I had. I did not have those expectations built off of anything, but the plans in my head and the plans in real life did not line up. I also had got really bad allergies and my tent flooded twice making everything I had soaked. Let’s just say I was moody, frustrated, and still questioning why I was called to go on this mission trip to run the Race with and for the Lord.
I was not myself the first couple of days at training camp. From previous racers, I was told worship was the best part of training camp. I was so stoked because worshipping is my favorite. For some reason though, I was not “in” it. And that has really been frustrating for me this week. I am finally in a room full of people who truly live their lives for Christ and are jumping for joy when they worship, and yet I am sitting on the ground motionless. The thoughts of comparison and thinking I wasn’t “Christian enough” to be here, flooded in. We evangelized in the local Kroger and I froze. We talked about the Holy Spirit at dinner and I had nothing to contribute. The doubts about me being here continued to meet me at my low. I hated the feeling and felt like there was a wall built around my heart that I so badly want/wanted to tear down. I want to have a tender heart, yet it feels rock-hard. I never saw these fears, trials, and feelings coming. Compared to how I was feeling last week, these thoughts never crossed my mind.
The second day, my leader told me I should stay on staff after the trip. I am gonna be honest, that scared the crap out of me, and I just laughed it off. The third day, I was asked to be the hospitality lead for my team. This means I would be in charge of communicating to the host and to my team, making chore charts, celebrating birthdays and holidays, and planning meals. The “normal” Rylee would have jumped at this opportunity, but when I was hearing all of this, I was super hesitant. I had been in a bad mood all week, was not as joyful as I usually am, and did nothing to deserve to be asked of this role. I was given the day to pray about it and give them an answer at the end of the night. In the end, I decided to do it. I want to use my gifts that the Lord has given me even when I am not at my highest of highs. All of my years of playing “house” with my cousins will finally be put to use haha! Looking back, I am grateful that I get to serve my team and our host in this way and I am thankful that my leaders prayed and saw through me even when I was not at my best.
Though I am going through trials right now, does not mean there are no joys to celebrate. I have met some really cool people in the last few days. We all get along great and the three boys out of the 16 girls are troopers. We had fun in squad wars yesterday and won against G-Squad. G-Squad leaves for the Dominican Republic tonight and we are sad to see them go. We have had some really fruitful conversations and continue to uplift each other. The staff team is so fun to be around. I have had multiple random conversations with a lot of them while realizing how small the world is and that we know some of the same people. I think it is so cool on how everyone is connected. It rains every day which is crazy because when it rains, it pours! Georgia weather confuses me, but it has been kind of fun to run from the rain. And praise God that I have only seen one snake haha!
God is so present in this place whether we can feel Him or not. It has been so amazing and beautiful to have strangers come around you, hold your hand, hug you every day, and pray with you. Even though I am only gone for two months, it is nice to have a hug from Abby (a girl on my squad) every day, making home feel a little bit closer. I am thankful to have this opportunity to serve the people of Cambodia and Thailand in Jesus’ name. Even though this week has been hard, I know it is possible to do it with the One I find my identity in. Shane Wibel, a parent chaperone on all of my youth group trips, once said, “Life is challenging, but with God it’s doable.” This is so true and I fully believe that. It is my time to be a Proverbs 31 (31:10) woman and walk with the people that the Creator of the world made. The constant words of encouragement from my teammates, my aunt, my leaders, and my friends have made me so thankful for the people who support me and are cheering on the Kingdom of God from Spokane. It’s time to dive in deep into the way in which the Lord has called. Thank you friends for following along in the trials and the triumphs and for supporting me. I am so grateful for you all.
If needed or wanted, you can reach me at [email protected]
Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful life I live, the amazing people you have surrounded me with, and this beautiful yet temporary home I get to enjoy.
Love,
Rylee:)
