So in a later blog I wrote about being refined by fire. In this one, I want to share about being baptized by water.
When iron is being made into a blade, it goes through a whole process: no I’m no Bladesmith, but I’ve seen multiple episodes of forged in fire. So I’d say I’m somewhat qualified to explain the process of making a blade. At the beginning of this process, there’s a moment where the blade is submerged in fire to clean off all imperfections, impurities, corrosion, and also to get the blade in a malleable state. The Blade-smith can then bang out all the dents and form the metal into its intended design. Now after that is done, the Smith puts it back into the fire a couple times and repeats this process. I’m sure it varies, depending on what kind of blade is being made but I do know that ultimately, the entire process finishes by the plunging the blade into water. The water solidifies the blade and symbolizes its completion.
OK, so back track with me to Guatemala. Where I felt like I had just been placed into a hot furnace and was sitting in the fire. You’ve already heard about that experience from my last blog, but literally and figuratively I had just been placed in this new, swaddling hot, and uncomfortable atmosphere. And as the temperate rose and I got hotter and hotter more corrosion, which in this case, strongholds lies, struggles, disobedience, and lack of faith surfaced.
In Eswatini, God took me into the next stage——pounding, where he worked through those kinks and bumps, issues and struggles, sin, addictions, and pain to get me back to my original design.
My identity in Christ was revealed before my eyes and spoken over me. Fear was being stripped. Pride was falling off. Feelings of rejection, replaced with feelings of love. There’s so much more and there will always be more, but these are just the things that the Lord has been walking me through lately.
(Important side note: In Eswatini, our Homestead had a pool. We were very fortunate and blessed to have this pool.)
Eswatini was hard to say the least, we didn’t have Wi-Fi but maybe once a week. The living quarters were small and not exactly conducive for 13 adults. But through that experience I was able to find refuge in the Lord closer and more personal than I ever have and gain a deeper appreciation for all that God has given me. Overall, I am blessed to have had a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on.
I really love learning and I don’t enjoy remaining complacent but my time in Eswatini felt I was on a race that was never going to end. My legs were tired. My brain was tired. I felt out of control to be quite frank. Everyday was out of my comfort zone even though I had the mentality of dying to self, I still felt like I hit an all-time low. But like in the analogy, the Lord was pounding out struggles and strongholds and shaping me into who he originally designed me to be.
By the end of our six weeks in Eswatini, and as we were going into debrief, the Lord placed on my heart to open up space for those wanting to get baptized or re-baptized in the pool. I had had a vision about baptisms and then I was approached by two girls who also had the same idea. When the day come to do the baptisms, I was hit with extreme anxiety, fear, doubt, and negative thoughts. I wanted to call the whole thing off and asked my squad lead if she would take over for me. She kindly said no, that this this opportunity was placed on my heart for a reason, but that I could delegate parts to her. So we went through with it, our team of 13 walked down to the pool, she led worship, I read some scripture, and the space was opened.
A couple of my teammates felt strongly about wanting to get re-baptized. The enemy had infiltrated their dreams with lustful thoughts and feelings. And they shared on top of that, how they felt really moved to get baptized in Eswatini specifically because of how lust is a big strong in the country. Baptism went beyond just themselves, it would open up heavens flood gates and allow the angels to demolish this stronghold in the spiritual realm.
After, we asked if anyone else felt led to get baptized, and no one answered so we gave it a little bit more time just in case and started to wrap things up. My heart was beating so hard and fast, I knew I needed to get up and obey the spirit urging me to get in the water but there was a strong spiritual force fighting against.
When then someone said, “I had no intention of getting in the water all today, but I feel the Holy Spirit telling me to.” She opened up about lust and sexual desires and feeling that way too. She was baptized, which lead to another spontaneous baptism, and then another, and another all struggling with the same things. Lust, masturbation, sexual sin, pornography. By this point baptisms went from 2 to 7. Praise the Lord, right. I sat there still buzzing. My head felt insane. There was something taking hold of me, but I didn’t know how to get out of it.
As some of you may know, I’m not really a big crier. At least I wasn’t until this race ha ha ha——as I was sitting there by the pool I bursted out into tears, saying “I need to get baptized, I need to get baptized, I’m just so scared.” I’ve been holding on to so much sin, and what felt like was a chunk of my identity that I wasn’t even sure who I would be without it.
This is where we get really vulnerable, so disclaimer.
I have been addicted to pornography for the last seven years. This addiction was on and off, and I tried multiple times to stop, but on my own strength, I would always fail. I wasn’t looking to stop the addiction by seeking the Lord instead I was trying to stop by letting guilt and shame prevent me from doing so. But something I’ve learned as of recently is that God doesn’t make you feel those emotions nor is he ever disgusted with us, God is a jealous God and wants our full attention. Because God is holy and pure set apart, he cannot be in those dark places with us, and it breaks his heart that we choose to separate ourselves from him in those moments.
I’ve learned that overcoming addiction is not fixating on how bad the things that I’m choosing to do are. But leaning into how good Jesus is and how he will take care of me and my mind. He will guard me from those evil thoughts and desires. When you’re so filled up on Jesus, things of this world will no longer fill those cravings and satisfy the flesh. Spiritual nutrition, filling your soul with truth and peace and goodness that leads to life.
So, I bet you can predict what happened—— I got into the water.
My friends Payton and Bella followed, held my arms as I stood shaking, and prayed over me. They said the words, “I baptize you in the name of the father son and the Holy Spirit.” And submerged me in the water. I said goodbye to my self that day I said goodbye to pornography. I said goodbye to lust. I said goodbye to something that I once mistaken for comfort. And I came out renewed, reshaped, purified, and healed.
Afterwards, after we had celebrated and watched three more people get baptized, (10 im total.) a teammate shared what she saw while I was in the water. She said that she saw what looked like dark demon like soot crawling all over me, coming out from my heart, and the the hand of God wiping it away. She said, as I came out of the water, she could see a bright shining veil placed over my head.
In that moment, I felt like a bride. I didn’t feel ashamed to look at Jesus anymore. I no longer felt like I was hiding something or that I was disgusting and dirty. But I felt totally and completely free of a stronghold. I felt raw and I felt vulnerable, and above all, I felt loved.
Have I had lustful and sexual thoughts or feelings or temptations? Not as much as I used to, but they’re still there something I’ve learned recently as well, is that feeling tempted is not sinning. It’s what you do when you feel tempted. It’s taking every thought captive and making it obey the Lord. It’s proclaiming that the spirit is stronger than the flesh. It’s going straight to God about everything it’s about casting out demons in the name of Jesus demanding them to leave saying, God‘s power within me is greater than the forces of the enemy.
I also want to disclaim that it’s good and a healthy to desire a relationship. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about finding somebody attractive in this culture purity is such a misconstrued topic. But that’s exactly what the enemies goal is, to taint the beauty, intimacy, and purpose of relationships. God did not create Adam to be alone. God saw that he needed a companion a partner, someone to come alongside him, someone to love, and to hold, and to keep. Relationship are not intended for happiness, they are intended for holiness.
God did not say sex is bad. God tells us in the Bible to be fruitful and multiply. But he does call us to be pure of heart, and to not idolize anything above Him, and to not lust and give over to sexual immorality. It comes down to either choosing to satisfy the flesh and fill emptiness and loneliness with earthly gratification or to be patient, self-controlled, selfless and loving and in doing so seek eternal reward and fulfillment.
Since this baptism, and looking back on all that’s transpired since I first step foot at training camp, to Guatemala to Eswatini, and now ro South Africa where I write this blog. I see now, that truly, the whole time Christ really was taking me through a process of making me into a creation. A blade. A tool for the kingdom.
