Hey all! There are only a few days before I leave home for the race. The first stop is a camp in Georgia, where we will be training for six weeks! In this post I wanted to share a bit about my thoughts and feelings as we are getting closer to leaving.
I am so thrilled to meet these people that are going to become lifelong friends, and I can’t wait for the release of letting God shape me for his purpose. There is so much excitement in knowing I will see incredible places and develop such a strong inner peace. Every day I get closer I feel more joy at the thought of all of this, but I also get a worry in the back of my head. A worry of leaving the people I love and them moving on without me. A worry of leaving the town I’ve lived in for the last 18 years. A worry of me not being good enough or people not liking me. A worry that this isn’t the plan God has for me.
These feelings are valid, but the thoughts are not. However, no matter how much I reassure myself of this, the fears creep back in. While I KNOW I’ll make friends, everyone at home is cheering me on, and God has clearly asked this of me, it is hard to convince the other part of me that this is true. Continuing through the endless “lasts” and goodbyes makes it all worse, even the small silly things like the last karaoke night or youth group meeting. These people still love me and I will come back to it, but these final times make the fear grow.
In my last post I shared about my journey with OCD, and I can definitely attribute the worries of me not being good enough or it not being God’s plan, to this. I know that God calls ALL his people to help others and share the good news. I also know that as long as I cling to God, he will make a clear path for me. Even though I know this, because of the disorder I can’t comprehend it enough to not fear it.
The thing I try to remember most during those moments is something my mom always says –
do it afraid. She tells me how sometimes the scariest things are the right things and if you stay close to God you can do those scary things. I am reminding myself of this saying as I get these thoughts and go on this journey. I want to encourage all of you to think of something you are afraid to do, and do it anyway. Being afraid is not a reason to stop; it’s a reason to go. God is powerful, never doubt his strength.
