Part of a journal entry:
Lord, these past weeks I’ve felt so many emotions, extreme emotions too. I haven’t felt this sad and discouraged in a very long time, and not exactly in this way either. I feel so horribly stuck, like I am killing myself just to survive. Fighting for my life. Living with Lupus has finally hit.
Now, I haven’t been completely honestly about something in my life that is such a significant part of my story and the way I function. That is, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called, Systemic Lupus Erythematous when I was 15 years old. What’s Lupus? Other than Selena Gomez has it. So you know how your immune system is designed to protect your body from foreign diseases and infection? Well, with lupus the immune system cannot decipher between good and bad so; therefore, attacks its own healthy tissue. Causing inflammation, swelling of the joints, brain fog, depression, and total shut down of the body. It has affected the way I live everyday for the past 7 years and yet I haven’t let anyone other than close family and friends in on this because of shame and self-hatred. As well as, I did not want to acknowledge out of pride, that I didn’t have a normal body. So for the past few years I’ve been regularly taking medication, going to the rheumatologist for regular check ups, blood works, and examinations. To come on this race I had to get special approval from my doctor. And I made a deal with God, I said if I get approved I will go on this trip…. which she said yes obviously. So I took all liberties I could, trashed the medicine, pushed myself as hard as I could, and only admitted I wasn’t feeling well if it was visibly noticeable. I thought that I could hide the pain and that if the Lord called me on this he wouldn’t leave me feeling sick. Which is true to some degree, He has delivered me through obstacles that should have been impossible. Such as long travel days, long periods of sitting, and various physical activities. I should’ve been way worse than I was but I know he was keeping an eye on me and carrying me through. But aside from those moments, there was more He wanted to uncover and explain through his perfect way.
Upon arrival in Thailand, we were greeted with mosquitos and extreme heat. Both things that severely trigger a lupus flare. We were also asked a lot in our schedule the first few weeks with little down time. I pushed, even with the flares, no ac, and stress of planning out lesson plans, I didn’t call a surrender but continued to fight. I would go to bed feeling very defeated and uncomfortable and then would wake up feeling anxious again but I thought that if I stayed home to rest it would let my team down and my host. However, this all caught up to me and for the last few weeks I’ve been living in constant fatigue and discouragement. I’m realizing that the gravity of my actions is affecting more than the way I treat others, that by pushing too far I am also causing damage that could be avoided.
All I want is to treat those around me with respect and serve with dignity, however I keep overlooking myself. And by neglecting myself I’m actually affecting those around me worse.
These aren’t new developments. This mentality began back home. It just took going across seas and 8 months of the Lord opening my eyes to see that I need to reverse this mentality and see that productivity shouldn’t be linked with identity. That I’ve been attaching purpose to productivity and not to the person of Jesus.
At home, I would be in constant pain at work or hit a slump of completely lethargy at school but yet never knew how to communicate or admit I needed to throw the towel. I remember coming home from work on several occasions with a terrible flare, brain fog, swollen joints, and come inside feeling so sick. I would just limp to my room and then fall asleep on the ground while I felt the pain pulse through my legs to my head. It took me so long to realize that rest is from the Lord, all he wants is us to rest in him. I’ve experienced across seas how slow paced life can really be. That the hurry and intensity that American culture pushes through is a vicious cycle I was stuck in. The mentality I’ve been functioning in is not healthy! I want to walk in real humility and admit that my body is weak, but my God is strong.
This scripture has really struck a chord in my heart and resonated in my soul.
‘’But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that His all surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus sake. So that his life may also be revealed in our mortal bodies. So then death is at works in us, but life is also at works in you.
(by using frail and expendable people, God makes it clear that salvation is the result of His power and not any power (we) his messengers could generate. His power overcomes and transcends the clay pot.)
“All of this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause Thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary redoubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.”
(Endurance is based on a persons ability to look beyond the physical to the spiritual, beyond the present to the future, beyond the visible to the invisible. To look beyond what is temporary and perishing. Pursuing God, what is unseen is eternal.)
“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 1:26-31 NIV
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”
1 Corinthians 15:10 NIV
We all experience it. We’ve all hit rock bottom. We’ve all felt hopeless, stuck, frustrated, desperate, and tired. But what flower blooms all year long? These last few weeks have felt like dragging through heavy mud. Defeated and discouraged from letting people around me down. Looking for flights home because I felt like no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to serve at the capacity that the people around me deserved. But also afraid of letting my family, friends, and supporters down. After many phone calls I realized the truth in all the midst. And that is, that my community loves me and would never think such things, they are just as concerned. They were never thinking I would be a disappointment if I needed to come home because my health was depleting. And also, this race feels of great importance, and it sure has been an enormous year of growth but it’s also just a chapter in my life! Realizing that perspective was a breakthrough. So, through this the Lord has taught me so much, 1. I had beenletting fear of man’s approval dictate a lot of my decisions when it came to well being. We all have different needs, limitations, and capacities. My parents, friends, supporters, and community were never the ones to decide or dictate whether or not I came home, it was always between the Lord and I. 2. I can do hard things. Acknowledging that I have a legitimate medical condition and still putting up a fight is strength. Learning to speak up for myself and take care of my body has taken extreme humility. I’m learning that if I’m always focusing on taking care of everyone else it leaves no room for God to take care of them, and it leave noway for him to take care of me. We weren’t supposed to work ourselves to the point of complete defeat and burnout, which is what I am trying to undo! 3. Being misunderstood is okay. Jesus was all the time! 4. I am grateful for the emotional awareness God designed in me. 5. God is building up endurance. And I am grateful to be where I am even though it’s hard. For suffering produces endurance->perseverance->character-> hope.
Admitting that I deal with this everyday is not me saying the Lord is incapable over throwing this illness. But it is me saying that the Lord can work with the broken, he usually gravitates towards them—-why? To show that none of this strength is from ourselves but all from fully relying on him. And yes, I have prayed for total and complete healing and I believe that someday I could walk freely of Lupus. But right now, I’m seeing that everyday the Lord heals my body in whatever condition it is back to normal. For Gods power is made perfect in weakness. The weaker the human instrument, the more clearly Gods grace shines forth. The messengers weakness is not fatal to what he/she does, it’s essential.
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