Our time in Turkey is quickly coming to an end and my team will soon be headed to NEPAL. Our route was changed due to the ongoing war in Israel so we will no longer be going to Jordan. I will be posting a recap from our journey to the seven churches and their ancient cities, as well as a final update on what the Lord has done in Turkey soon! In the meantime, I want to share with you a recent journal entry I wrote from a transparent heart.
4/11/2024
One word that is not fun to say. Medication. I honestly hate medication. I wish that I didn’t have to take it. I wish that I didn’t have to think about it so often. But currently it is a choice I have had to say yes to so that I can feel better.
Hearing people make comments often like “you’re always sick.. why are you always sick” is hard because I don’t really have an answer. It sucks. Do I wish to be sick? Absolutely not. I wish more than anything I could be like someone on the race who has yet to be sick because it would relieve such a heavy burden. I would be able to walk in joy so much easier. I would be able to function so much easier. I would be able to love so much easier. But maybe that’s what Jesus has wanted to teach me in this. How to find joy in the midst of suffering. How to rely completely on His strength when I am so weak. How to love people and serve people even when I feel like have nothing to give or am trapped in heavy emotions. It’s not fun to be sick, but if it is Gods will for me to walk through this than I trust Him. I want to be more like Christ. I want to be His vessel. I want to intercede for the nations and I want to walk in love. I want to love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want more of Jesus, I trust Him.
In the midst of being sick comes the decision of what to do. Do I see a doctor or do I wait? Do I take the day off or do I push through? Do I take medication or let it pass its course? And what do I do when none of these things work. When rest isn’t enough, when a doctor doesn’t know what is wrong, when medication fails to help, and when pushing through only makes the symptoms worse? I am then left asking the Lord over and over to speak His voice clear on what I should do. And as I wait, and wait, and rest, and push, I am still left sick and in pain. My body is exhausted and my mind is tired of battling this war of thoughts and emotions. So I make a new decision. I get medication. A lot of times these don’t work. Which leads me to more thoughts and questions. Should I have taken the medication? Did I hear God wrong? Why isn’t it working? Why won’t God just heal me instantly? I know that He can do it, but even when He doesn’t, I trust Him.
Then I hear the comment “you are always taking medication”. This one also hurts. While I have taken medication a lot, I know that way more often than not I am just praying and waiting for healing and the sickness to pass. So when I feel confident that it is time to proceed and get help with antibiotics, and am just left with comments like this, it leaves me feeling defeated. I thought I was making the right decision to help my body. I thought I heard God clearly. I thought that people would support me in this. But instead I am left feeling like another decision was made wrong. Being sick causes a lot of hurting and pain, but I trust the Lord.
This week as I began another antibiotic, probably my forth one on the race in a matter of seven months, I cried out to the Lord for guidance. Just getting the medication was a testimony alone and brought me more peace knowing God is in control. But then come the side effects. Headaches that are worse than the ones caused from sickness, skin that is easily burned by the sun that has now become hot and itchy to the touch, and more fearful thoughts. Again I am thinking, did I make the right decision? If God really wanted me to take this medication would I be having these side effects? Is the process worth completing the medication? That’s when I hear from people again “you should just stop taking medicine completely for a while”. So there I am questioning the voice of the Lord and my decision making again. Being sick hurts and causes a lot of pain, but I trust the Lord.
So here I am on day five of taking a strong antibiotic with hopes that it will heal the sickness that has caused me suffering for months. As I cry out to the Lord again, to remove this thorn from my flesh, I know that He is with me in every moment of this. I know that He is teaching me many things in this, and has helped me to fix my eyes on Him through prayer and worship, and has taught me how to use the Word of God as my sword. While I wait for the day to physically be healed, I will continue to walk in patience, relying on the Lords strength, and finding joy in the midst of suffering. Because even in the waiting, I trust the Lord.
4/15/2024
It is now day nine of taking this antibiotic. Only one day left to finish it. My body is finally feeling full of energy and most to all of my symptoms seem to be gone. There is so much joy knowing the medication has worked. So much joy knowing God is my Healer. That He truly made a way. But there is also some fear of the future, fear of it all coming back and happening again. But in the middle of fear I am choosing to trust the Lord. I am choosing to abide. Choosing to be near to Love, because perfect love casts out all fear. In the valley, on the mountain, or across flat land, I will trust the Lord.
Isaiah 30:18
”Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.“
