To all who are reading, I want to thank you for standing by my side during this new chapter in my life. For those who have read my previous blog, you would know how it was more light hearted. Through that lightheartedness, I’ve realized how I glazed over so many things that have been a huge part of my journey because they seemed too “intense” or controversial to talk about. Two weeks ago I would’ve been hesitant to share this type of information because it has never felt safe to share something so deep and close to my heart, but I’m sharing this in hopes of creating a safe place, so that I may be vulnerable through these blogs.
Week 1 & 2:
Although I already published a blog for my first week at training camp, I left out some very valuable information. In full honesty, the first week of training camp was one of the most spiritually challenging weeks of my life. Throughout my life I’ve had many different relationships with God. The two most common that have been a pattern in my life is being SO madly in love with Him, but the other relationship was a foggy transactional relationship. In full honesty, I have been a lukewarm Christian the majority of my life. Yeah, I may have raised my hands in worship, said the “right” words when I prayed out loud, had cute bible studies at coffee shops, and stopped listening to secular music; but none of that mattered because my intentions were not aligned with Gods design. My outward expression about my relationship with Him had become an act that I created so that the people around me would be proud of me. At the end of the day my “faith” was not driven by my Fear of God, but actually my fear of man. My whole life I had tried to make the people around me think that my faith was unshakable, but the truth is, something that doesn’t exist can’t be shaken. Now I’m not saying that I didn’t put my trust in Him as my savior, and that I didn’t have salvation in Him. But I’m saying that I was a lukewarm christian who was living two lives that were complete opposites. The truth that is hard for most to understand is that God has called us to FULLY live for Him with no excuses. And I was living a lifestyle that God despises (Revelation 3:16).
With all this information being brought to light, I had to make a decision. Either I was going to put on another act for 9 months, or I was going to search for the Truth and have my own faith that was genuine. I realized the only choice was the ladder. Now, making this decision was so much easier than actually living it out. But God is SO SO good, and He has been so kind to me through this. One of the first things He revealed to me is how my old faith was built off of my feelings. I believed that in order for Him to be present, I must have some sort of physical encounter, but that’s so far from the Truth. First off, let me just say this because people tend to forget but, God is ALWAYS present. Whenever I realized that this is a nonnegotiable fact about God, I was forced to let go of the “box” I had originally put Him in. During my first week I was really struggling and felt a lot of discouragement because all the people around me were being “transformed” and having these crazy experiences. And yes, that is so exciting for them, but it doesn’t make my experience any less important to share. God was so kind to reveal my sinful nature throughout that first week, and I’m so glad He didn’t sugarcoat what I was doing, because now I can say that my faith is growing into a fireball, full of genuine love and curiosity for Him.
Week 3:
Alright, now let’s get into the things that He taught me during week three. Every morning my squad starts off our days with a devotional. One day specifically we went through 2 Corinthians 4 & 5. Here are some notes that I wrote down from that devo: “God is the light of the world, and He is constantly at work. He deserves all the Glory and all the Thanksgiving. He RENEWS our hearts day by day and has put life in us.” Like DUHHH of course He does! “People are so hungry for something, but they run to the world instead of where the source of their food is.” GULP. Wow, that is so powerful. This devo is such a great example of the super silly and wonderful ways that God moves. These few chapters were like a stab in my heart, but in such a beautiful way because it just emphasized how much I NEED God.
Desires:
Y’all, since being here I’ve had some desires that I’ve never had before! I want so badly to burn for God and have an undying hunger for Him that only grows stronger. I also just have a desire to represent His original design before sin entered the world. Because God created a specific design that was so perfect and was made in a way to allow us to function fully the way that we were made to. So my goal is to have my eyes always vertical on who He has called me to be, and how He has called all creation to be. This comes with a lot of surrender and submission, but after seeing how I was living my life with 1 foot in and 1 foot out of how He calls us to function, I am so willing to let go of things. Yes, I know this is a super risky think to verbalize because I am going to fail at times, and I won’t do it perfectly no matter how hard I try. but I also know that I serve a Faithful God who will be with me through ALL of it.
Last but definitely not least; I pray that I may be a light and encouragement to all of y’all. My walk hasn’t been very pretty, but God truly made it so beautiful. And I want to go through this journey together. Not only for the next 8 months, but throughout the rest of our lives. God is so so good y’all. Let’s stand together and work towards who He has called us to be and where He has called us to go. A simple “yes” holds so much power in it, and He will turn it into something soooooo fun.
MWAH LOVE Y’ALL!
