Ever since the middle of Vietnam, I felt as if I were in a bit of a funk. I felt trapped inside a shell of myself, like I was watching as Kailey lived her life rather than being Kailey.
Upon arriving to Cambodia, the shell hadn’t broken as I’d hoped. I wasn’t particularly disheartened or unwell, I just felt numb.
At the end of our second week here in Cambodia, our squad mentor Bill came to
visit. Bill and his family are incredible and live on the field with us, pouring into us and supporting our squad leaders.
A few hours before Bill arrived, I physically felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I had my teammates turn on some Disney music and just started to dance, a typical Kailey behavior I hadn’t much felt like doing since the “funk” began. As I danced wildly, I felt things begin to fall off of me as I finally decided to exist just as I am.
Throughout the weekend, I felt it happening over and over again: I kept showing up just as myself. If I felt like I wanted to adventure to see Lotus flowers, I would. If I wanted to play a card game with risky strategy because I thought I could still win, I would (and it paid off too!). If I wanted to chase the kids or swim in the river or laugh loudly or try something new, I did.
I am the middle child in my family and a born peacekeeper. It’s in my nature to want to bring balance and make sure that everyone is seen and loved and happy. But in all my efforts to make sure other people had enough space to exist, I forgot to take up space myself.
It’s a broken pattern I’ve noticed in my head, this ongoing struggle of comparison that often takes away my independent thinking and just existence as an individual. I’m prone to wonder how someone else would show up to a situation or what someone else would need before I even think about what I would do or say as me. I consider how I think someone would want me to show up or who I think the situation needs before I respond in ways that I’m made to. I’ve constantly put myself in boxes and shoved myself down because of who I think people would want or need me to be.
And that’s pretty sad considering that the Lord has made me fearfully and wonderfully. He’s put me with people in situations and places for a specific purpose, and it’s not to balance things out or show up like someone else would.
Comparison is a tricky thing. It’s all too easy to look around you and see who has a cuter face or better friends or a happier life. Especially on the race, we are constantly compared to previous teams and other team members. Since arriving in Cambodia, I’ve been consistently compared to a leader from the previous team. I’ve always looked up to and admired her. She is a woman who walks in such grace and gentleness but is also beautiful, funny, smart, generous, and just an all around woman of God. It was too easy to hear myself being comapred to her and see all the ways that I didn’t measure up. But then I realized I had a choice. I could let these comparisons create pressure to perform or show up a certain way. I could feel confined or even see all the ways I didn’t measure up.
Or I could choose to celebrate the leader for all the incredible ways God made her and delight in the ways that God has made me, even though they are two very different things. Because when I try to show up as someone else, the world misses out on the ways that God has created me. There is such specific intention and purpose in the moments God places me in, and those moments need a Kailey, not kailey being anyone else.
One night I got a picture of my team and I sitting at a table. I looked at everyone’s portions and the ways that they fit perfectly with their design. They were beautiful and full of joy and amazing things. I felt discouraged as I tried to show why I was worthy of a portion like theirs but never succeeded in getting it. Then the Lord showed me my spot at the table, a portion that was perfect for me. It didn’t look like anyone else’s, but it was made perfectly in line with my creation and giftings, and it was all mine. I didn’t have to fight for it or worry about someone else taking it. It was created just for me, by a father who loves me. “There is something here for you Kailey. Something special and unique and perfect for you”. All this time I spent comparing, the Lord was showing me how loved I was just as I am, no comparison needed.
I asked Bill how I can practically fight these lies, and he gave me two simple questions to ask myself: “Is this how I want to show up? Is this who I want to be right now?” I have seen so much fruit from even just recognizing these thought patterns and taking a moment to identity who I want to be.
When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the song “Free to be Me” by Francesca Battistelli. I was reminded of this song, and it brings tears to my eyes to think about how true the lyrics ring for me now, even more than they did then.
At twenty years of age
I’m still looking for a dream
A war’s already waged
For my destiny
But you’ve already won the battle
And you’ve got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
An’ on my own I’m so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I’m free to be me
Once I’m on my father’s shoulders, I can see everything the way that he sees it. He’s carrying me through it. I don’t have to have a dream or a plan, I don’t have to show up how I think others expect me to. I can be who he made me to be, and embrace who I am wholeheartedly. I don’t have to strive for growth or to be someone else. Who I am is enough.
If you find yourself comparing your creation to someone else’s, you can rest in the fact that the creator of the universe created you with specific intent and purpose on purpose. You’re in your families, workplaces, and friend groups for a reason. What he has for you no one can take, and you’re only seeing the beginning of the picture. You’re loved and valued for who you are, by me, and more importantly the creator of all things. And that’s a pretty remarkable thing.
In the words of Ms. Battistelli herself “I’m free to be me, and you’re free to be you”
