Honesty.
Depending on who you are or what role you have played in my life thus far I probably presented the World Race to you in a different way to match the idea or expectations of my lifestyle.
But I need to be honest, no matter who you are.
When I first applied to the World Race roughly two years ago, I applied out of curiosity and the unknown. I knew I wanted to travel, and I knew that the World Race went world wide. I applied with the intent of exploration. A few people in my life warned me this was a mission trip, a christian organization to expand the love of God through world missions and discipleship. I let this information pass right through me. I believed what I wanted to, I saw the pretty pictures, the big smiles, the groups of friends, the glowing sunsets, the new exotic locations. I saw the things I wanted. I bypassed the fact that the heart behind it all was God, faith, and missions. For reference, faith isn’t new to me. I grew up in a faith based household, attending church every sunday, getting there early, staying late, youth groups, camps, vacation bible school for kids in the summer, mini mission trips, women’s bible studies, and even being a part of a family who was pursuing overseas missions. I can say I was young and didn’t understand, I can say I was forced into it, I can say anything I want to make excuses, but I chose to avoid it. I barely remember listening to the messages, I barely remember reading the bible, worshiping wholeheartedly, or committing my life to any form of faith. I was there, but I wasn’t listening or living. I have never been present in my faith.
Coming to the World race was fairly easy, I know how to pack, how to plan, make connections. The hard parts hit me like a brick wall the moment I arrived in the airport. People were praying together, sharing playlists full of favorite worship songs, and testimonies. I showed up, becoming completely overwhelmed. The first week I justified my awkwardness, my standoffish, and lack of knowledge on a different style of worship or biblical teachings, expressing it wasn’t my style, what I knew, or comfortable with. Which was true, but also an excuse for my lack of faith and interest.
Since day one staff and alumni have warned us that if you are here for a long traveling vacation, for yourself, and for show it will be the most miserable 9 months of your life. I again passed by. I could fake it, right? I could be awkward for a few months if it meant seeing the world with a group of amazing girls, right?
It hit me around day 18. Thursday September 10th.
I woke up so sick that morning, so I ended up taking a 3 hour nap mid day, in which I missed a session and a mentor sharing a testimony. From my knowledge the testimony contained experiences with night terrors, childhood, and personal beliefs. I was disappointed I had missed this session because as a child I struggled with night terrors, I had wished I was there to be able to connect and relate to others. Pushing past to later the same day I was on a call with my mentor/youth pastor, whom I was asking in depth questions about worship and religion, what faith was and if I was ever going to feel it. I was doubtful and needed someone to challenge my ideas. Ending that call I stood up to walk back to camp, but one of my teammates stopped me and warned me that it might be uncomfortable to head back. I questioned her and through some conversation I was made aware that some of my teammates were experiencing forms of spiritual warfare. (I wasn’t there so I will refrain from going into more detail.) I waited around a while and had even more faith testing conversations with teammates, challenging beliefs and perspectives, offering my own but ultimately more interested in listening and learning. As the conversations came to a close, teammates mentioned concerns about being able to sleep, what if the camp was haunted? I also had my doubts but remembered a Bible verse I had briefly read earlier, Proverbs 4:16 “For troublemakers are restless, if they are not involved in evil.” So when I fell asleep effortlessly and fast I felt as though I had been protected yet again from the works of the world. I don’t say this with the intent that what happened between those people that night was evil but I think the results of it were unfruitful. Drama, gossip, tensions, awkwardness, etc. Those can form evil works, and those who partake in such are entertaining sin.
Connecting my experience to this situation.
I have never even tried listening to God, never tried to challenge the ideals of biblical teaching,. But through 1. Missing the leader’s testimony. – I didn’t interact with the group of people who were concerned and curious about unfruitful night terrors and were ultimately the same group of people who experienced spiritual warfare. 2. Missed the actual interactions with spiritual warfare. – thankful for the impromptu phone call, allowing me to be away from camp and involved in a knowledgeable conversation exploring and challenging my faith. 3. Sleeping peacefully. – something I have read as a sign of protection, allowing my mind to be still and at peace.
I know this situation and interaction may have been powerful and awakening for some of my teammates, I value and respect that. For me I believe that this was a protection from God, my faith is already so new and so weak that I believe experiencing those situations would have hindered my faith, causing me to fall deeper into skepticism. I feel like I was granted a hug of protection from God. Being told, be still, it isn’t your time yet, rest in my peace and protection.
(Psalm 46:10 & Psalm 37:7)
Though my faith and understanding of religion is young.
Though my doubts are large.
Tough my time with the World Race feels long.
I am choosing to trust.
To explore.
To gain & search for perspective.
To dig deeper.
To connect.
To begin to explore belief.
I am choosing to be present, to listen.
To gain knowledge.
So with honesty.
I don’t know why I chose the World Race, I don’t know what my purpose is here. But I am choosing to be curious, to gain perspective, life lens, to connect, to explore.
To anyone reading..with full honesty and transparency, the purpose of the World Race for the following 8 months is to do global missions, discipleship, community outreach, testing and building personal faith, to explore the hidden depth of the world, & to share the gospel. Of course that will be accompanied with many beautiful smiles, sunsets, teammates, and global adventures, but that isn’t the main purpose.
With maturity and perspective I apologize to anyone whom I gave a tinted lens of the World Race. I was confused, embarrassed, and concerned about what would happen if I shared the truth behind this next step in my life. I hope you continue to follow along and support my journey.
Another post coming soon with physical updates!
Buckets appreciation for every pair of eyes reading.
Thank you!
With many adventures & much love!
Aliya Koziol 🙂
