so the race has been really hard physically on my body. my health basically seems to have been shot ever since leaving Guatemala, our first country, which was before Christmas. so i’m about 3-4 months with sicknesses. in Guatemala i’m pretty sure i had some sort of food poisoning sickness like salmonella. ever since that i’ve had really rough stomach problems. in vietnam, right around Christmas time, i got E. Coli and my body has really not been able to recover to full health yet. these middle months of the race were extremely hard for me. i’ve gone to the doctor 5 times- sometimes i’d get answers but none of the medications have really been able to help resolve my problems for the long term. within all of this i’ve just been fighting mental battle after mental battle- and let me tell you that is really hard. for the past 6 months i’ve been serving people. in a lot of situations while being on the race it can feel like i have a 9-5 job that i only consists on loving on others. now don’t get me wrong, thats beautiful and i love this job, but it’s also really really hard when you feel either dry, tired, and sick almost all the time.
cambodia was a peak of a mental break i had. i got really sick again. in past seasons of my life i’ve walked through anxiety and how to deal with it. within this past 1.5 months i have been dealing with anxiety in a new way. i had a panic attack later that same day and i’ve never had one like this one before. it was terrifying, overwhelming, and really really isolating. i really didn’t think i could do it anymore- i felt like i needed to leave. i wanted a doctor who could really understand me who i wouldn’t have to repeat myself because they couldn’t understand what i was saying (language barrier). i needed to go to an american doctor with american medication with american tests. i felt like i needed my family. i felt like i was consistently dragging my team down. i felt like i was doing it all alone and i needed more support then what i was getting. i spent hours on the phone with mom and dad trying to just let some people in who might be able to support me in the ways i needed. i spent hours in the mornings and nights crying out to Jesus asking for healing and comfort and just telling Him how sad and frustrated i am about all of this. I was seeing all my friends and teammates having a completely different experience of the race and just longing for that to become my reality too. but through all of this health crap i am dealing with i have really learned what it means to give your burdens to the Lord. i am learning what it means to pick of His yoke. i am still learning this because everyday is different. everyday i have to choice to pick up His yoke, i have a choice to choose freedom.
Matthew 11:28-30
”“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”“
- This is a scripture that i had been meditating on for the past month.
My dad and i were talking on the phone one night and he told me 2 things that really changed my whole perspective on this really hard situation. He said “a panic attack happened, but that is just another thing for God to redeem” and He said, “What if God loves you so much that he shipped you across the globe to show you what it truly means to be loved by Him”. this was where the shift happened for me. I knew i was going through a really hard season where i could physically not get through on my own strength or understanding. i needed something stronger and bigger. i needed the Lord’s love to fully surround me in every possible way.
something happens in one’s spiritual walk when you walk though darkness. you have to options: 1- to walk blindly in the dark and wonder in hopes you find your way out.
2-find a piece of light and focus your eyes on it. don’t let it go, hold on to the hope and follow it until you find the way out.
-option one is really easy to do because of our pride problem. we want to be able to do it ourselves. we want to be able to say we did it without help.
-option two requires you to lay down your pride because you know what the benefits of having help are.
i’m learning what it means to pick option 2. my health is still rough but i have been learning what it means to take action in getting the help i need. i reached out to our trip leader, bill and his wife katie, and we set up a plan to get me the help and support i needed. Bill was able to come to where my team was living and help me communicate where i’m at and what i need from the team. this was huge for our team. a lot of healing happened within those hard conversations. katie and i were able to see a doctor together about a week later. i was diagnosed with IBS and was given a couple medications so i am praying those work. i am about a week into them (i take them for 2 weeks total) and some important has been made but i’m hoping for more! we left Asia a couple of days ago and now we are in South Africa for a week of debrief.
My aunt and uncle and I had been sending audio messages back and forth. something my uncle Dan told me was “I guess you’re learning what it means to be in sickness and in health out there”. and he’s so right, i’d never thought of it that way until he said it. I’m learning what it means to choose Jesus and the gift of doing His work even when it doesn’t feel like a gift. I’m learning what i’m means to hold onto faith. I know my God is so big and is a healer. I know my God will fight for me. I know i can hold onto His hand. I know He will not forsake me. I know He has not forgotten about me. I know He is with me and will never leave me. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me, to show me His love. A love i would never of gotten to experience if things were going well. A love that i could only experience when He was and is the only one who could save me.
