Aaannnnddd we’re back!! (It’s me now again (oh come on now don’t be so disappointed)). Hope you enjoyed that little break in the program.
PVT was an incredible week for all of us (and not just because the food was the best we’ve had the whole race). As you probably saw, something we did every night was have 10 people go up and give a five minute testimony about a fruit of the Spirit that they have seen God nurture in them over the course of the race. It was a really special and powerful thing, and I thought it’d be cool if I typed my testimony into a blog, and then I’ll add a couple notes at the end that have been more recent revelations for me.
Here we go!!
Testimony
“God’s met me this year in so many ways. I’ve watched prayers answered, heard crazy words spoken, and have truly tasted of his goodness in ways I never previously thought possible, the foremost of those being experience of his joy. I’ve learned a lot about love this year – what it really is, what it’s not – but what I’ve also come to see is that the ultimate end of love is joy and delight.
I’m going to go through my entire race now in three minutes, so buckle up.
Before the race I had a strong, simple faith. I loved Jesus, prayed and read my Bible daily, and had a calm and peaceful relationship with the Lord. My joy was in the cross and the simple message of the Gospel, and I wanted to share it with the world. That’s all.
I show up to training camp and all of a sudden all of these other things start trying to force their way into my relationship with God and I’m struck with confusion. I hear all this talk about spiritual gifts, the voice of God, spiritual warfare, and I’m over here like, “I thought demons were extinct or something.” And none of it makes sense to me. I felt like I lost all sense of direction for my relationship with God, clarity faded, and my knowledge of who God really was drifted away. I remember telling a couple of people how it all just seemed to steal the joy I used to have in the Lord. And one night, in the presence of a few of my friends, the weight of it crashed on me and I started crying.
We fly out to Guatemala, and the spiritual gifts talks are still going strong, but I’m starting to come to peace with a lot of it now. I learned at this point how to hold my old friend the Gospel in one hand and all these other parts of God in the other. But I’ve been seeing things happen, experiencing weird things, and slowly I start to think that maybe the infinite God I serve is a little bit bigger than what you can fit in a book.
Vietnam comes around, and here’s where I had to learn love like I never had before. It was my team’s first country away from the rest of the squad, and there were times it was really draining for me to keep living in tight quarters with 7 other dudes. But it taught me humility and persistence – two valuable things when it comes to loving someone.
Cambodia. At this point I’ve settled in my heart peace and acceptance of all the things that brought me so much confusion early on. I start to watch for answers to my prayers for the practical things: love for my team, energy for the kids, renewal of drive and motivation each day… and man did I watch God show up. There was one afternoon I went out into the village to look at the fields and pray and seek the Lord (it had been a difficult morning and I’d been hurt a couple different times by different people) and at the end I stood up from where I was sitting on the side of the road and literally danced for joy before the Lord as I walked home. And I don’t dance. And it wasn’t cause the music was good. I had no music on (as far as I remember). It must have been an odd sight to anyone who may have been watching.
Now we’re in Swazi. We haven’t been here long, but amazing things have happened. Two night ago Daws (my leader) had an allergic reaction and he passed out. We ended up having to support him as we walked from where we were having team time to this chair in front of the main building. I knelt there next to him for a while as we were all praying. At one point he was handed a granola bar for energy, but he broke off a piece and gave it to me to take as communion. We ate. When we we finished he got up and walked away, and I sat there crying in joy and wonder at the power of God.
(Added later…)
I realized there are two types of joy:
The first kind is something that can, if one were righteous, be had at all times. It’s the kind brought on by delight in the gifts God’s given us to enjoy: a beautiful piece of music, an African sunset, a good friend, a close spikeball game… the one thing it requires is that you turn your eyes outward. Humility. (To quote Lewis…) Not the false sense of humility that is thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking of yourself, your desires, your concerns, less. It becomes hard, if not impossible to fully enjoy a beautiful sunset if you’re stressing about your big presentation tomorrow. It becomes hard, if not impossible to fully enjoy the company of a friend if you’re constantly worrying what they might be thinking about you. And for my soccer people out there you know it becomes awfully difficult to really have fun when you dwell on the fact you just missed a big PK. Oh how disappointing a thing it is to stay inside my own mind! Take a step outside and experience the freedom and liberation God’s given us to be had right around the corner. That’s joy.
The second kind of joy is something that comes directly from God. If the first kind comes from his hand, the second comes from beholding his face. It’s experience of his presence. Yes, God is omnipotent, but no, we do not feel his nearness in every single moment. But every now and then he grants me the glory of it, and it captivates me and often brings me to tears.
“Draw near to God and he will draw near to you” (James 4)
“Seek me and you will find me if you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah???)
“You’ve captured my heart in ways I didn’t know I could be captured” (Captured by Isla Vista Worship)
In Christ,
Jackson
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