Learning How to Die to Myself

This last month has been life-changing to say the least. Both in the ways God has taught me so many things about Him and myself, and also that my life has changed pretty drastically. God has completely changed me. So with all that being said, I have an announcement to make: I have decided I am no longer squad leading this year. The Lord has called me into a season of seeking intimacy with Him back home in Idaho, learning how to mourn, and how to die to myself. This decision was not made lightly or on the fly and many people including myself fasted and prayed for five days. When my mentors who were praying into it had come to a decision, they called me into a meeting and told me what God was telling them. I was still fully expecting to squad lead and so this came as a complete shock to me. The moment when they told me, God filled me with a peace that transcends all understanding and a joy I can’t even explain. There were dozens of questions and concerns running through my head about what this meant for me, “how am I going to tell people back home?” “what about my supporters?” “am I not good enough to squad lead?” “how are they going to find someone to replace me this late?” Every one of these questions and many more were answered as soon as they came to my mind by the peace of God telling me “I’ve got it.” I was crying and laughing at the same time because I was so sad but so at peace and filled with love. Despite all my emotions and concerns, all I could say was “God is good.” My mentor said she believes I have a rich, deep anointing for leadership but my character needs to match my anointing; which was very convicting. She also said she truly believes I will squad lead for the World Race, just not right now. She told me I could squad lead this year and it would be good and fruitful and God would absolutely still use me or I could wait on the Lord and give this next year to Him, come back next year to squad lead and He will give me a double portion. At the end of my first race, someone had given me a prophetic word about my life that it would be harder than Job’s life but that I would remain even more faithful than Job was. What I am experiencing is obviously not harder than what Job went through but the point still stands that everything Job lost, he received back double, a double-portion. Later, I had another squad leader pray over me Isaiah 61, a chapter about the year of the Lord’s favor which feels fitting for what He is calling me into. It also talks all about redemption, rebuilding and comforting those who mourn; however the part that stuck out the most to me was verse seven which says, “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” God was inviting me to humbly receive this decision from Him and spend this year seeking after His face rather than turning to the temptations of bitterness or shame. My other mentor said she sees me like Moses in the way that God brought him all the way up to the edge of the promised land and he could even see into it and how beautiful and fruitful it was but God told him it wasn’t for him and called Moses to come into the wilderness to be alone with God and to ultimately die. That last part about dying is metaphorical for me… I think.

I am grateful to have God call me into this new season and to have it affirmed by several mentors and Biblical truth. That being said, The World Race is deferring all of my fundraising money to next year. After all this, I decided to stay for training camp and volunteer for serve team. Serve team is all volunteer alumni who cook all the meals and do chores around campus while the racers are there. It was actually a really sweet time with friends from my past races coming, and pouring into the racers that I was supposed to be leading this year. It was beautiful to get to love on them and disciple them despite not being their leader anymore. God also was and still is closer than ever. My quiet time with Him looked different than it ever has before. Obedience brings us closer to Him in such an intimate way! During baptism night, I decided to get baptized as a symbolic commitment to what God is calling me into this year. The guy who baptized me is a very trusted leader and hears from God in such a convicting way. He told me that when he first arrived at training camp, he received a word from the Lord for me specifically. He said that he saw me standing there and Jesus was standing in front of me holding out an invitation to my own funeral; Jesus was inviting me to come die to myself. He also said that after dying, I would be remade and would become a beautiful piece of gold refined for the Kingdom. This was just another confirmation of what God is calling me into. I also still got to be apart of amazing testimonies of our God’s power. The Lord has put it on my heart recently to pray healing over anyone I meet who is sick or injured even if I don’t know them because He is a God of healing and not a God of remaining in pain and suffering. So, one of the girls on serve team came into the kitchen late at night, where some of us were hanging out, with the most swollen feet I’ve ever seen. She said she wore the wrong shoes and walked around all day and could barely walk anymore because her feet hurt so bad. I asked if I could pray for her feet and she said yes; so I laid my hands on her feet and prayed for miraculous healing in Jesus’ name. When I took my hands off, we watched her feet shrink back to normal size in front of ours eyes!! It was the craziest thing ever; they literally shrank in front of us! We all started going crazy and praising God because it’s not everyday we get to see the Holy Spirit move like that. This actually wasn’t even the only miracle I got to be apart of! I saw multiple healings similar to that one, I saw the Lord multiply food when we didn’t have enough, I saw God deliver people from demons and generational curses, and so much more! If anyone says God doesn’t perform miracles anymore, I’m here to tell you to have more faith because He absolutely does! If you believe He knit you together in your mother’s womb then who are you to say he in incapable of healing your body? Also let us continue fervently praying for miracles to happen even if its embarrassing or seems weird. There is no better way to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with someone than to show them His power and sovereignty through miracles. Its real and it happens on the mission field all the time so let’s pray for it to happen here as well!

What’s next for me? First and foremost, this year will be a year of preparation for the future while living in the present. A year of refining and redefining my relationship with Christ. I am currently searching for work. I have been reading a lot and learning the guitar in my spare time which has been really fun. I am also hoping to be active in the church this year, whether that is interning once again or something else. I love Eagle Naz and have a heart especially for cultivating a missions mindset in the youth. I am very blessed to have really great mentors here as well who speak truth and wisdom into my life. I am very excited to see all God does this next year in and through me. This change of plans has honestly been pretty difficult and its something I’m mourning still. I’d love prayer! If there’s one thing I have learned being a Christian, it’s never easy to be a Christian but its always worth it. God is good and He will remain good. I will finish by asking you the same question the Lord has been asking me over and over heading into this year: if He took everything from you and all you had left in your life was Jesus, would that be enough for you? Could you be content with nothing and no one but Him?