my beloved

This blog post may be a bit longer than some of my previous ones, but it’s merely a deep dive into all that the Lord has been teaching me in this season of being in Cambodia and how He has been at work in my heart. As I openly and transparently share a few stories in this post, I hope that everyone that reads it is encouraged to seek after the Lord even in times of heartache and struggle. Whether you’ve heard these parts of my story a million times or you’ve never heard this section of my in-depth testimony before, I hope you are able to take away something. As Acts 20:24 says, I want to testify to the gospel of God’s grace!

To start off with a bit of context…
My parents are divorced and I spent many of my childhood and preteen years being angry and bitter towards my dad. I blamed him for my parents divorce, my mom having to raise me essentially on her own, and many other things. His testimony of addiction and sobriety is not mine to fully share, but all that needs to be noted is that this too played a factor in my bitterness towards him. It wasn’t until World Race training camp that I found true healing and reconciliation with my dad. I vividly remember the night I called him and told him “I love you” for the first time and genuinely, wholeheartedly meant it. The door of healing and redemption that night opened is indescribable.

Fast forward to our time in Cambodia and there is a group of male teachers that drink alcohol most nights at dinner nearby where our team does. In their drunken stupor, they’ve made comments that would usually be considered rude or inappropriate, unprovoked and unnecessary. As these instances occurred I would find myself becoming upset, even furious, with them. On the surface, I’ve always been even keeled, but deep down anger has always been a sin struggle of mine. I started to realize that even after everything with my dad, my struggle was popping back up again- this time, through the teachers.

One of the teachers and his wife live at the school and they have a 2 year old daughter. I found my rage tripling every time she was present for the men’s drunkenness. After talking with both my squad leader and squad mentor about the struggles I was facing with the situation, the Lord began His work in my heart.

Every time I started to feel anger towards the teachers I felt as though I was about to break down crying. “I don’t like that my knee jerk reaction is to be angry. Why is my first reaction towards them hate when I know it should be to love?” As I wrestled with the Lord on this, He spoke gently to me. “You are my beloved daughter. They are my beloved sons. I saved you from the same hell and despair that I died to save them from.” My wrestling continued. I can’t put it into words any different or any better than I did in my notebook one night:


“Burning No Longer”
my chest tightens, my fists clench.
my bones burn, my flesh fumes.
I say, ‘I am a judge. I dictate your wrongs.’
because my whole body is ablaze
anger, irritation, fury and rage
coursing through my God-given veins.

‘How dare you be so stupid?
How dare you drink around the little kid?
How dare you prevent yourself from a life well and long lived?’
my mind ignites and goes up into smoke.

but Love is an extinguisher that prevents my mind from becoming even more stoked.
I’m doused, drenched, dampened, and stamped out.
the flame in my heart has ceased.

He says, “I am the Judge. I know all of your wrongs, yet forget in an instant.
Afterall, did I not send my Son for you even when you were resistant?
My love for you and for them has been forever existent, consistent, and persistent.
Because my whole body was sacrificed,
pain, torment, anguish, and last of life
all for you, from the heart of me, Jesus Christ.”

“How dare I forget His blood and His sweat?
How dare I not remember His mercy and splendor?
How dare I not love, putting myself last rather than above, being brash like a donkey instead of gentle like a dove?”

my mind rests and falls into peace.

because Love is the extinguisher that makes the fire inside me, cease.
I am forgiven, fought for, and fully set free.
adopted, loved, chosen, and made clean.
a friend of God and a daughter of the King.
joyful, loving, patient, not angry nor mean.

my match, my fumes, my anger, and flames
are not my identity because I have been redeemed.
walking covered in His blood,
cleansed from every spec of dirt and smudge
you and me, me and them, simply called His “beloved”




Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32 says “Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity…Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

Walking in a deeper understanding of my identity as Christ’s beloved is the only thing that allows me to love those around me, despite how difficult it may be for my flesh.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his one and only Son into the world so that we might live through him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another.” 1 John 4:7-11

If I have received a supernatural love, I cannot give a superficial love. I must give a love that is unconditional and self-sacrificial.

“[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7

‘The greatness of agape love is it keeps on bearing, believing, and hoping. It doesn’t give up.’ (Enduring Word Commentary)

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” Ezekiel 36:26

My flesh may be offended but my heart is pleased that God gave them another day to hopefully come to know Him. My flesh may be pessimistic but my spirit hopes for their salvation. My flesh may shun their alcohol but my soul yearns for them to taste living water. My flesh may only see them as alcoholics but my daughter-mind sees them and children of God, whether they know it or not. My flesh may despise them but my renewed mind calls them “beloved”.

In short, learning what it means to have a heart that breaks for what breaks God’s is a strenuous yet beautiful journey. The softening of one’s heart does not equate weakness, but the resemblance of the Father’s heart is how His love is perfected in us. Jesus flipped a table and our sin angers God, and yet in His anger He doesn’t sin. I may be heartbroken and angry over the 2-year old growing up in this environment because I see a lot of myself in her. I can’t imagine what I would’ve turned out to be, had I continued to grow up in a similar environment but that does not permit me to see the teachers as anything less than chosen, forgiven, and loved. The same One that created all of creation also created us and chooses to call us His beloved. Amidst my sin, anger, stubbornness and hurt, my identity as Christ’s beloved remains steadfast and He remains faithful to pursue my heart, and He wants to pursue your heart as well.


Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, I know it was a bit of a longer one. May God bless you and make His face shine upon you!