My family and I were in and out of church as a child and it wasn’t until I was in middle school that I decided to commit my life to Jesus. I was on fire for the Lord and started to dream about being a missionary and traveling to the outermost parts of the world to spread the good news. My dad was in the Air Force and he had so many stories of all of these beautiful places he had traveled to. He learned so much from other cultures and made sure to instill the values that he learned into my sister and I. What he may not have meant to instill was a wanderlust and desire to see the world and its people.
When I was in high school I experienced “church hurt” and ran away from God in part because I couldn’t separate a perfect God from the imperfect people in his congregation. The other part of my running from God had to do with selfishly wanting to satisfy my every desire with no regard to morality or consequences.
At 19 years old, I thought I knew everything and I got married despite the sound counsel of those closest to me. Even though we had our good moments the strains of repeated cycles of his unemployment, substance abuse and domestic violence couldn’t be erased. Without a foundation of faith and the unwillingness to give up the flesh, our marriage could not withstand the storms. A big storm we weathered was infertility. Although I have loved the children in my classroom as my own, I still dream of being a mother.
In 2019 my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He fought hard and with the strength of the Lord at his side. I still remember him sitting there frail, jaundiced and in a lot of pain with his hands in the air singing…
“So I throw up my hand
And praise You again and again
‘Cause all that I have is a hallelujah
Hallelujah
And I know it’s not much
But I’ve nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah
Hallelujah.”
Gratitude by Brandon Lake
My dad’s example of faith helped lead me back to the Lord and one day sitting on my couch watching Elevation Church on Youtube I cried out to the Lord and he answered. He forgave me for all of my sins and guided me back to him. I wish I could say I never slipped up after that, but honestly it was one step forward two steps back for a long while after that moment. And he is still working to prune things from my life whilst adding good habits.
My dad was a fighter and he went through many grueling surgeries, chemo and radiation with a smile on his face and my mom by his side. On March 26, 2023, my dad went to be with the Lord. I held his hand and sang him to sleep…
“When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won’t let you go
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you’re made for more, so don’t be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water too”
Walk on the Water by Britt Nicole
Although I deeply grieved the loss of my dad I was amazed at the peace the Lord gave me and the closeness in which he held me during this time. Not a month after my dad passed, a horrible night with my ex-husband’s substance abuse and domestic violence ultimately marked the end of my 8 year marriage. My dreams, and my fertility medicine, shattered to the ground that night. I felt God tell me that this was not what he wanted for my life, that pain and love are not synonymous and he gave me the strength to leave even though it was the hardest option. I had finally turned to the Lord, got rid of a lot of bad habits, was reading my Bible, had started tithing and teaching Sunday school but still I was put in a pit of despair. But it was in that pit of despair where I felt the veil thin and where God was the closest. I felt that my life was unraveling around me and I was so hurt that the dreams I had for my life slipped through my fingers like sand. It was those nights where I cried out to Him until the sun came up and those nights that He held me through the pain that I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was alive and with me. He wiped my tears and gave me joy in the mo(u)rning.
Around October 2023, I learned that my church had an opportunity to go on a mission trip to Eswatini, Africa to teach in preschools and see how the Child Sponsorship Program we fund was benefiting the communities. I fought God on it for months, arguing that I wasn’t “mission material.” I certainly wasn’t good enough, “churchy” enough and I was broken and still grieving the death of my father and the loss of my marriage. How could he possibly use me? Well God softened my heart and I reluctantly said yes. I am so glad that I was obedient! I went on my first mission trip in June 2024 and realized that God uses broken, imperfect people all throughout the Bible and presently to accomplish great things for His kingdom. I made some amazing friends on this trip and fell in love with the country of Eswatini and mission trips as a whole. I thought I was going there just to help others but I am certain they helped me heal more than I could ever have helped them.
After the trip, I felt a call to further missions but had no idea in what capacity. I felt called to sell my house and get rid of all of my belongings. I wasn’t entirely sure what God had in store but I realized I didn’t need to know the plan. I am a planner and this has been hard for me. I have been challenged to hold my plans loosely because they certainly don’t always turn out the way I imagined that they would. In August 2024, I donated almost all of my belongings. I sold my house in October 2024 and moved in with my mom and sister.
In November 2024 I went to a Beauty for Ashes facilitator training where the Lord had set a divine appointment with some amazing women to help me heal the broken pieces of my story. I am now teaching the Beauty for Ashes curriculum at my church as a weekly group. Beauty for Ashes is under the umbrella of Adventures in Missions and this is how I learned more about the World Race. I prayed about the opportunity and felt the Lord say, GO!
That brings us to the present: I am stepping out in faith for a crazy opportunity to travel to six different countries in eleven months with only what I can fit in a backpack and somehow raise $21,000 on a teacher’s salary. I don’t yet know how, but I know God can do immeasurably more than I could ever think or imagine. So although trust is hard for me, I will trust Him.
There were days that I thought I would never survive the fire, but God walked with me in the fire and has been refining me like gold. He restores even the dreams of my youth.
“He’s bringing back the years, He’s restoring me
He draws me out of fear, says He’s holding me
I’m learning who I am with Him right next to me
Yeah, He’s a friend to me”
Stand Still by Maverick City Music
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