I am leaving for a 9-month trip at the end of this month, and while I have been waiting to soak in information and learn, I have realized just how much I am already learning.
Preparing for this trip has been incredible—eye-opening, even. I’ve had to face deep-rooted beliefs, fears, and parts of myself I’ve never confronted before.
Of course one of the first things I had to do after getting accepted for this trip was funding for it. I hated that idea. Asking people for money went against every fiber in my being. I don’t ask for money, I give. I’ve always been the helper.
Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I am not going to sit here looking for sympathy or recognition. I’m just telling the story from my perspective. I recognize I don’t always do my best at helping when and where I can. But I do know that I love to help others, and that has always been at the core of who I am as a person.
So, when I heard I had to RAISE money for my trip I thought, “I would rather die than ask people for money” or even: “I will just fund it myself”, before I got told about why we do funding in the first place.
But instead of getting into why we fund, I wanted to address all the issues I had with funding, and another compounding issue I had. I have had a deep rooted belief in myself for years, and if you are reading this, you may know my story, you may not, but with dealing with depression for years, I had learned how to hate myself. I had learned in past years of isolation that no one loved me, how could they? I am not perfect and I never could be.. So, self hatred became dominant in my life. Every mistake became ammunition for self-hatred. Years of that conditioning made it impossible to believe anyone would want to help me, so when I heard I had to raise money for my trip, I was in complete disbelief.
I could not grasp the concept or idea that someone else would help ME. I couldn’t get over the idea that people wanted to see good happen in the world, or that they would care enough to support me.
Now, I recognize that not only self talk has made me think these terrible things about myself and the world around me, but also many life experiences.
However, even with all the fear, anxiety, and dread, I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked people to join me in this mission. I was so doubtful—truly doubtful—but to my surprise, people rose to the occasion.
I realized that I had to have faith, not just in people, but in God, and that was hard for me because I am someone who wants to be able to do it all myself. Relying on anything or anyone but myself? Yea– not my thing.
So this whole time I have been thinking I have to have more faith, while that was very true, I also realized that God was trying to tell me the whole time that he is trustworthy and that he loves me. With all of the doubts and fears and dread, I have been pushed and nudged toward faith. It’s like God has been slowly but surely getting me to a place where I could hear him more clearly. It’s like he knows exactly what I needed to get this trip started, so he made me work on my faith in him, nudging me in the right direction through subtle ways.
Maybe you’ve felt the same way; afraid to ask for help, or to believe you’re worth supporting. If so, I hope my story reminds you that you’re not alone, and that God meets us right in those fears.
It turns out, the lesson isn’t just about funding a trip. It’s about learning how to trust—and how to be loved.
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