While I’ve been in Cambodia, God has done a lot. I thought I’d take a blog to share more about what he’s been teaching me lately. Sooo….
First off, God has been showing me that any bit of pride I am holding onto can be a wall between the cross and I. Our desire to do things our own way and cover our own shame is literally blinding ourselves to our brokenness and saying, “no, I don’t need the cross.” God brought me to a place where I needed him because I was just done with my flesh and all my striving. Conviction can be so painful and, at times, you don’t even know what to do about it. After listening to this one Tim Keller sermon, I felt so guilty, but also angry at the fact that he was right! I had pride. And I tried for two whole days to figure out how I could sort this out. How I could fix it and bring it to God. The result? I realized I couldn’t. I literally said, “God, I’m done. I give up. I don’t know how I can take this away!!” That’s when he revealed the powerful truth: that he already did. Everything in me broke. I needed to let him do his work and let the power of the cross wash over me. And it did.
Another thing I learned: what it looks like to live a life worthy of the gospel and what it means to share the gospel. You can’t truly, from your heart, proclaim the gospel if you don’t let it change you. You can’t proclaim freedom you don’t have. There are times in my life where I got up to share my testimony or the gospel and it felt like a burden. I didn’t want to do it because I felt afraid of the terrible truth: I was fake and I knew it. I was living in shame and pride and trying to proclaim a freedom that I was not allowing myself to have. But I’m a bad liar. So my words always failed me and I used to feel ashamed of my inability and lack of passion and words when it came to sharing. Because of my pride and denying my brokenness because I wanted to look good to the world, I didn’t let God live in me! I was not living in freedom. Sure, God chose me, but I was not choosing him. If you’re afraid to talk about God, are you really letting him do his work in you? Because if you are, he will fill you in ways that make you want to give your life so everyone can see the truth. And it’s more than that- the more we come to realize the beauty and overwhelming gift of the cross, the more we too want to lay every bit of our flesh and lives down just so others can see the power of the gospel. And that takes laying every bit of pride down. Which is painful and hard. Pride stands between us and freedom. But when we let him heal our pride, he gives us gentle hearts that can love others unconditionally like he does. And he’ll break your heart for what breaks his. Instead of crying tears of fear and shame, you’ll find yourself crying tears of overwhelming joy and often sadness for the lost that don’t know him. We need to let his truth live in us and flow out of us.
After the overwhelming and beautiful realization of his grace, it is only now after experiencing him, that I feel a deep passion for people to know too. It’s not an easy road. And giving people convicting truth may not always lead them to love you. And not everyone loved Jesus. They were so angry that they wanted to kill him. Bringing the dark flesh to the light can make us want to run and hide and can make us angry. But we can have anger and hate the truth, or we can let the truth set us free- that he died for us and it is not by our own works that we are healed, but by his sacrifice for us. I’m thankful for many brothers and sisters who love each other deeply enough to bring to light even some of the things that are painful but are holding us back from looking more like Christ. So I encourage you all to love one another deeply and never forget how gentle and lowly we must posture our hearts before one another. We are all saved by grace. Lovingly giving the truth may not always earn back love in return, but wounds from a friend will heal. Enduring the present suffering is nothing compared to the joy set before us when we will look more like Christ.
Well, those are my current thoughts and the Holy Spirit that somehow just came out into this blog haha. I may not have done the most perfect job of putting into words what God has put on my heart, but I hope these words only make you want more of Jesus. Be strong in his grace!
Love,
Kayley
