This week has been hard. I have been defeated and constantly knocked down, but God has continued to show up again and again. He has been speaking to me, urging me to give up my own life and follow in His footsteps, but my selfish desires have constantly been a stumbling block.
The first time that it really struck me how selfish and self-centered I am was during a market scenario. We were tasked with buying ourselves dinner in this market that the staff had set up. There were all kinds of people around including homeless, people on drugs, and lost, broken people. I was so focused on myself that the thought of sharing the gospel or giving money to the homeless didn’t even cross my mind. In fact, it seemed weird and wrong to do. I was so convicted after this experience. I saw how unloving and judgmental I was being, refusing to see other people as children of God and instead viewing them through the world’s eyes.
On Thursday night we had a revival night and the opportunity to be baptized. I had already been baptized when I was younger, but I wanted to rededicate my life to God and surrender everything to God. Throughout dinner, I was feeling so tormented about my decision. I called my parents and had them pray over me and then later some girls from my squad and my leader also prayed for peace for me. However, I was still not feeling any peace. During worship, I called out to God and asked Him to show me what to do. I kept hearing Him say “Wait”, but I was too stubborn. I refused to listen to Him and instead did what I wanted to do. I got baptized but didn’t feel the peace that I longed for. This really bothered me. After this I went over and joined worship, thinking about my decision. I was filled with so much guilt and shame for completely disobeying God. I started thinking of ways to make it up to Him and make it right. However, I was soon filled with so much peace. God showed me that He loved me no matter what I just did. He was waiting with arms wide open, longing for me to run back to Him and live in His love. I felt such freedom realizing that it’s not about me or what I do. It’s always been about Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross for me. I don’t have to try to make it up to God, I just have to surrender everything to Him and let Him lead me in His love. It’s so amazing that God turned my disobedience into something good, helping me to realize it’s not about me and surrender my life to Him.
On Friday, our squad went into town to evangelize to the locals. After the baptism and my surrender to God, I was feeling so ready and on fire to share the gospel with complete strangers. However, when we got to the town, I chickened out so many times and was more afraid of what people would think of me than sharing the gospel. After this experience, I was feeling really down and wondering what I did wrong. Again, I was struck with the realization that I was depending on my own strength instead of walking in the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I didn’t even think to pray and ask for the words to speak, instead I was so consumed with saying the right things.
This week has been one of tearing down old walls and letting God fill all the places in my heart. I have felt so defeated this week, but it’s exactly what I needed. I have learned to lay myself down and give it all to God, letting Him lead me. I am still a work in progress for sure but God has showed up so much for me and constantly walked with me through the highs and lows, always picking me back up and never leaving my side. God is so good and i’m so excited for the way he is refining my heart.
