I’m at the point of my life that I just want more of God. I don’t want to live for myself. 2 Corinthians 5:15
I once lived my life for the thrill (or lack there of) of what the world could give me. I lived for what I could produce — for the approval of others.
I was the dictator of my life. I did what I wanted no matter the consequences. But I wanted to go numb, I wanted to escape. No matter what it took. Blacking out, going numb, suppressing my emotions, trying to escape my brokenness, trying to deal with it on my own because I felt that it would be a burden to others.
I remember how broken my heart was from the world and the failure of counterfeit affections. I lived to feel numb.
I was convinced this was what life was all about — avoiding the pain and acting like life is all good because no one wants to talk about sadness and hurt. I would talk myself into cycles of lies. I felt that I was alone, and abandoned. Meanwhile I was showing up to church, I knew about God. I would read my Bible in efforts of justifying my sin. What exactly does drunkness mean? Are drugs explicitly in the Bible as wrong? Why is sin so bad if God’s glory can shine through my weakness? — He wants to protect us!!
“Did God really say…..?” the question that led humanity into the fall (sin).
My heart posture was all wrong, stuck in the oppression of counterfeit affections, the lie that I had to go through this life alone and no one would love me if they really knew all of me. Stuck in a stagnant lukewarm pool of my faith, hesitant to let anyone in. Having the head knowing that God is good, repeating verses as though they were mantras for my life without actually knowing the author of the Bible through prayer.
Looking back at where I was a year ago, I for sure came on this trip as a way of escapism. — God’s divine sovereignty over my life.
Coming on the Race, I was ready to suppress my emotions, I was ready to suppress my hurt, I was ready to escape these feelings that caused me so much pain and sadness and brokenness.
Being on the Race, the Bible has come to LIFE. Through the Bible I have found TRUTH, REAL LOVE, REAL JOY, REAL FREEDOM, LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY. But this isn’t from the suppression, this is from humbling myself and bringing my pain to the Lord.
It all started with a listening prayer. Jesus met me, held my face, told me that He loves me MORE, He cares for me MORE, He will never leave me. That rocked my world.
This God who I willingly walked away from, this God who I hardly gave any of my attention to in the past two years ….loves me?
His love is a gift, not a reward for performance. (1 John 4:10)
Now I live for His glory. God is madly, wildly in love with us. He just wants our hearts. He just wants our attention. He sent His son Jesus to save us — while we were still sinners! (Romans 5:8) let that sink in. Our Heavenly Father, our Creator sent His Son while we were dead in our sin so that we would be able to experience FREEDOM and overcome the enemy by the blood and resurrection of Jesus Christ!
There was a moment a couple months ago where the Lord gave me eyes to see my orphan heart.
I was reading my Bible daily, praying daily, on this mission trip waiting to ‘feel’ the Lord — yet feeling so distant from Him.
I was on my knees praying, seeking Him. Saying all the right words. Listening to worship music — The Lord told me to be still.
Thus began a life changing vision from Him, I was in the throne room, knelt down on the steps up to the throne chair where Jesus sits. Hands surrendered, head bowed, confused as to what else I needed to do, what else I needed to give up in order to have more of Him.
Suddenly — Jesus got off of His throne chair, walked down to meet me on the steps, and held me, looking out to the world saying “This is my beloved and I am well pleased” — Naturally, I sobbed in the hands of my savior.
God just wants me, He doesn’t want what I could produce for Him. He doesn’t delight in empty words or empty traditions or empty sacrifices. He delights in a broken spirit and a contrite heart. (Psalm 51:16-17)
The Father’s Love in a Nutshell
I am realizing now that The Father’s love is pure, unconditional, patient, gentle. He will not force anything upon His children. He wants to partner in this life with us. He wants to break generational curses in our lives. He wants to bring freedom and is inviting us into His love. He wants to dwell in us. He wants us to come to Him poor in spirit, desperate for His help, desperate for His love to experience Him.
And He shows up. He has never left us, He is always near. Waiting for us to fixate on Him.
The fact is that as we get closer to God, this makes the Devil angry. As a result the Devil plans attacks on our lives and we are warned that he is a roaring lion waiting to attack us, he is strategic (1 Peter 5:8-11). He will do anything to make us believe lies that God doesn’t see us, care about us, love us.
The only thing we are called to do is to lean on the Lord and resist the enemy. Seek The Lord’s face, admit your weaknesses and allow Him to meet you where you are at. He wants us to be with him.
Here’s another fact; as Christ followers God never promised us a perfect life. God never promised us ‘The American Dream’ (1 Peter 4:1, 12-14) Instead he told us that the world would hate us because we are followers of Christ. He promises us trials and tribulation and suffering in Christ — but He has overcome them. (John 16:33, Romans 5:3-5, Ephesians 1:19-23) The truth is that there is a war going on in the spiritual realm & everything that happens in this natural realm is obedient and under the control of the spiritual.
Ask the Lord to unveil your eyes to this reality.
Another fact is that we are spiritual beings living in the natural realm. Meaning that there is more to life than what we are seeing. The Bible says to live by faith not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7) We are called to set our minds on the realities of Heaven (Colossians 3:1-2). God also promises us salvation when we repent and confess Christ as our Lord. (1 Peter 1:9) God promises judgement on the world and he promises each person a place in heaven in His presence for eternity or eternity in hell. (2 Peter 3:9-10) Jesus is preparing a room for us in The Father’s house for us (John 14:1-14) Repent and believe.
Ephesians 2:1-11 NLT
“Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.
But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
