I just got off the weekly call with my mentor.
“We don’t need Payton to hit rock bottom again” were the last words that floated through the air from North America to Africa.
But if I’m being completely honest, I think rock bottom was the place that my eyes were finally opened to the ways of Jesus. I believe rock bottom was the place I was taken to realize that nobody is after my heart more than God. There isn’t a single person who could have completely taken my burdens from the last couple weeks & turned them into something beautiful. Yes, my best friends or family could speak life over them but only Jesus could fully remove the prideful thoughts, unwillingness to grow & shut out attitude that I embodied. There wasn’t the comfort of my mom, my own bed, financial stability, ability to treat myself to Salt & Straw or a lifting session that could serve as a temporary alternative. I wanted to go home. I kept talking myself out of looking at flights (for the fun of it, of course). Didn’t respond to anybody I really wanted to talk to because I missed them so much. Didn’t post on social media because I didn’t really care about what was going on in my life. Slept during lunch, before dinner, after dinner & the cycle repeated. I was burnt out & holding so much weight on myself that only I could create out of my sinful desire to completely control every single thing going on around me. It felt like I was laying on the bottom of a bunk bed that the top had fallen down on because of a huge boulder that was dropped on it & wouldn’t move. There were big fat swirlies of all different shades of blue floating in the air around me. The green grass was far above the top bunk & completely out of reach. Eventually, I morphed into the boulder. But moments later, I caught myself saying, “this isn’t me”.
I am moldable. I want to hear others. I want others to feel included & seen. I am patient. I was brought to Africa for a reason. I have so much to learn & so much to give. This is a process. It’s okay for things to be hard. I can do hard things. These are the words that replaced my fears & doubts over the past couple weeks.
Rock bottom is never a place to camp out, even 7 days of it felt like hell. The only sense I can make out of springing up through the green grass above from this boulder is the resurrection of Jesus. I felt defeated, drained, tired & malfunctioned. I buried myself in this place of discomfort & only by the power of God did I spring up & overcome the trap satan was trying to use against me. Rock bottom is a place that screams “overcomer”. It’s a place where strength can be discovered… but only with the help of God.
The result of me hitting rock bottom in 8th grade was the opportunity for the Lord to use another in speaking prophesy over me of the life I am currently living. Rock bottom junior year of high school led to being offered a volunteer leader position with YoungLife, the place where I have found my lifelong friends, encouragers & gained a deeper understanding of my identity. Rock bottom after losing my brother gave me the push I needed to be confident in God’s purpose & share His goodness with zeal from first hand experience with the Creator.
Today, rock bottom halfway through the World Race created change. It has given me the ability to see my areas of lack & needs of surrender, the many changes that must take place for me to deeply reflect Jesus on both the inside & out.
Love always,
P
