test test, hey BLOG! and current heart status :)

I used to write all of the time, and I still do in my journals nightly, but for the most part I am feeling a little blind on how to articulate my thoughts and feelings into words for you all on this blog. How am I supposed to sum up feelings of leaving my home in Folsom and home country for the next nine months into a sentence?
This past year, August ’23 to August ’24 has been filled with conversations like this: questions and answers and trying to figure out what’s in my head. Thank you therapist Christa for helping me learn I’m an external processor and helping me through talking out my feelings.
But to sum up, God has shown Himself to me this summer in many ways; at middle school summer camp, through my parents and family, in my alone time, in the mini miracles and moments… but still am oftentimes saying… God, it doesn’t feel like you’re there. And this is true. I felt like I used to be the biggest prayer warrior and currently I’m struggle talking to Him at all. And this is on my part, since He’s waiting for me to start the conversation. But I think I’m looking for Him in only one shade, one area, one box. I’m not letting Him bloom and show all of His colors into my life, why? I’m scared. I’m scared of what I’ll find, who I’ll become and if I’ll find anything at all when I fully surrender. It’s that big, final step into being completely seen by God; we already are, but the feeling of it. This is the “peace” we are all looking for. Speaking of feelings, since feelings are fleeting and everchanging, I can’t base the foundation of my relationship with God on my feelings anymore either; in other words, this peace feeling I’ve almost reached and have reached in some areas. I have to base them on the facts of who God is because of His promises. He promises He is constant, forgiving, forever, the beginning in the end never changing. These things are too good to be true and we still don’t grab ahold to Him most times. I get it, trusting is scary. Stepping out into full faith and surrenderance, like I mentioned, is something I have almost attained, but not quite yet.
I will end with this: God is proud of my little. It states in the Bible that a faith in God so small that it could be the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, so my little I give I can be proud of, too. But I have to keep looking. I am grateful for a program like the World Race that will force me to keep looking and searching for Him in the different crevices of my life. Thank you for reading my vulnerability being shared unto you.
~ Aubrey