January 12, 2024. Hugged my mom one last time goodbye, realizing that she would no longer be there to care for me when I get sick. Instantly and strangely thought about Vicks Vapor rub in our embrace. LOL
BITTERSWEET. Training camp is something I cannot describe. I get text messages and questions like, “How is it?” “What do y’all do?” “How are you?” Yet, I can’t seem to have a solid answer to what it’s like here. I have had to struggle and die to myself multiple times yet, I always come to the conclusion… God IS moving. In every second and hour of the day you can see His goodness. Do I agree with everything they do here? No. and that’s the beauty of it all. This camp is horrible, if I can say so myself. BUT. It has stretched me in the most uncomfortable ways as preparation for what is out there waiting for us. So if I could sum up what it’s like here I would call it…bittersweet.
BITTER. Typing this in what we call the “sick room” has made me an emotional wreck as I feel helpless and weak. Saturday, January 20, 2024 4:03 AM – I woke up feeling THE WORST yet went back to sleep. My symptoms included: fever, headache, body aches, cramps (because I’m a girl), HEAVY congestion, and a nasty cough with phlegm. Here in Gainesville, Georgia the weather has been crucial. (Reminds me of the weather back home in Texas when we had the freeze in 2021 and no power.) 8AM – I woke up, packed all my belongings and went about the day. The thing about me is I’m one to tough things out. Sick? I think not. I participated in the session that morning with some of my squad, translating for them because the Lord has blessed me with two languages. Soon then after, one of my teammates came over to me and encouraged me to go rest in the sick room BUT I still didn’t want to.
My thoughts:
- You will miss out on going into town to evangelize and maybe even get the chance to get some coffee…
- You are the weakest link on the squad because of your health.
- You will be asked to defer the trip because of your health.
- You can just take some medication.
and here I am. I am going on the third day of being in the sick room and although it is WAY better than sleeping on the floor, I can’t help but feel the need to just surrender and go home. If I can’t withstand the cold here why do I think my health can even handle what’s out there?!
I love to hum. (Cause I can’t sing LOL) The Lord woke me up this morning and gave me the song Back to Life by Bethel Music.
And the enemy thought he had me
But Jesus said, “You are mine”
Oh, the enemy thought he had me
But Jesus said, “You are mine”
I hummed it for the longest without realizing what I was actually humming. I am not the best singer but when I put the words to it and started declaring that over my sickness and body… I got worse. My fever came back and so did my body aches. I was drained. The enemy is angry.
SWEET. Friday, January 19, 2024. Revival Night…
I’m used to this kind of worship at LF, why is it so different here? Let me tell you. The Lord is so sweet. Worshipping him is so easy and simple. It’s pure and genuine. It’s “not theatrical” as Mazi Grace would say. I love worshipping alongside these racers who are hungry for his presence. The holy spirit has been welcomed each morning and night to just do what he does best. I have seen people come out of worship in tears… completely wrecked. Here’s the funny thing, not everyone here is familiar with this kind of worship. There is a mix of baptist, methodist, evangelical, pentecostal, nondenominational, etc. Just to be able to witness people break from their denominations and simply worship our God…HAS TO SPEAK VOLUME. Revival night was one I will never forget. That “block” that I had built up between me and God? Gone. I wasn’t mad nor did I hate him. I want this. I want every tiny detail about Him. I want His presence, His love, His goodness, His mercy, His faithfulness. I had so much built up resentment towards others and so much unforgiveness that I didn’t notice that I even had a wall between me and the Holy Spirit. I would worship and ask the Lord “Why does it feel so distant?” “I know you are here because I can see you amidst everyone else!” “What am I doing wrong?”
I truly thought I forgave easily. The truth was, I pushed everything and everyone that has ever hurt me to the back of my heart and allowed myself to move on with life. These things stained my heart and you could see them sometimes come out of me.
Psalms 51:10. ”Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.“
The enemy is angry. Lathering myself up in Vicks vapor rub, typing this with aching muscles, & laughing cause we are just getting started. Jesus said I am His.
(Please pray for my health & the rest of the people here! Sickness is trying to wash over every single one of us.)
