Numbness. It’s a bit of a tricky thing. I feel like there can always be a surface level emotion to it; a little bit of laughter and maybe even sadness that starts to fill your dry eyes. Not much further down into that you find nothing. Confusion? Anger? Stale tears? Hidden laughter? Trauma? When bad news arrives, you keep walking like it’s nothing; no emotions stirred up. When good news arrives, you feel a trickle of something. In your head it seems like you’re running to reach out to something that was quick as lighting. Your brain is waiting for the signal from your heart to tell you what it’s feeling, leaving you feeling confused like something is terribly wrong with you. “Should be in a mental institution?” “Should I go see someone?” These thoughts move you into isolation and despair. It did to me. I have had the Lord remove lots of decay from my heart over the last four years. I thought it was over, but no (thank God). Built up trauma from my past has left my brain to just rot with horrible lies that accepted its fate. At just the right time, the Lord rescued me from me being sucked into what seemed like eternal numbness. He delivered me unto solid ground. Feels unknown yet has an essence of familiarity; weird and uncomfortable, absolutely. But where else is there to go? I wouldn’t want to go anywhere else accept to the Field of Feelings. You can wonder around in curiosity of finding the Father’s heart. I feel revived. Alive. Myself. Praise God.
There is definitely more to chip away. Don’t worry, I have not yet arrived at the place of perfection, or have crossed any finish line before any of you. I still have a long way to go. Shifting through new emotions, old emotions, wrestling with the Lord in things. Sometime it’s annoying and frustrating, other times it’s a joy and I experience the fruit of it right away.
That Friday night, January 17th: Praising and worshipping the Lord through all the numbness and fogginess of my head, not allowing my emotions or lack their of to be my leader. After a while the Lord really started to minister to all of us. I felt the huge hard lump of numbness fall off my heart and tears flooded my eyes for three hours. The Gentle Heart Surgeon came to my rescue! The Father revealed the trauma and walked me through some inner healing with the help of leadership around me. They came to listen, bring awareness, and correct and align myself with His heart. I learned what He thought about me going through those things in my life and gave me a revelation about His love and care for me. First feeling I felt in months: He cares for me, His beloved. A great first feeling to have.
Being Sent
So it’s officially been three weeks of being here. We literally leave to go to Kyrgyzstan in TWO days. How am I feeling about it? In all honesty I am so not ready for this. I don’t feel capable and I guess that’s the best place to be. I’d rather feel not prepared and nervous to go and continue to be obedient rather than feel secure in my own abilities. When we are weak He is strong, and in my weakness His glory shines through. I get to learn how to be dependent on my Father and not on myself.
We have a THREE day travel day starting on January 25th. Two 10 ish hour layovers in two awesome places. I’ll leave it to you to guess where. We are exploring and I’m taking my camera so there definitely will be pictures for you to see. We will officially arrive in Kyrgyzstan on the 28th. Prayers will be so greatly appreciated. Prayers for travel, and our teams. We are also going into some pretty serious places where the people are devout Muslims. We are all learning about Islam as much as possible to be most effective in building relationships with them and giving them the Gospel.
PRAISE REPORT!!
YA GURL IS FULLY FUNDED PRAISE THE LORD! I haven’t even stepped foot on Kyrgyzstan yet and I am already funded. I’m extremely grateful for your donations, big and small. They have been a blessing to me, to those around me, and those I will meet. THANK YOU!
Until next blog,
LOVE YA!
Lexi B
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