This is a Redemption Story.

This blog will not be about the countries I’ve been to or about my ministry. This Blog will be about how Jesus redeemed me from my struggles with mental illness, identity, and self-harm. I’ve been away for 6 months now, and I’ve learned more about myself than I did in 4 years of therapy. (This is a warning for those who also struggle or have struggled with self harm. I talk alot about how self harm affected me and my view on the world).

This is a redemption story. 

My first childhood memory is of myself sitting in the corner of my room crying for reasons I didn’t know or understand. I didn’t have a reason to be crying, I was just sad. I think that memory marks most of my childhood for me. I was always filled with so much emotion. Whether it was joy, anger, hurt, or sadness, I felt it so extreme. I like to describe little Grace as a girl who’s heart was too big for her small body. I didn’t know how to express it so I was often crying, sometimes even for no reason at all. I started hurting myself in the third grade. I didn’t know it was wrong, or that it was something other people did too.  I would get so overwhelmed that it felt like my heart was trying to come out of my body. It was painful. The only way I had found to soothe myself was to scratch my arms and legs until they bled. I didn’t learn this from somewhere. I didn’t see it somewhere on the internet, or hear it from a friend, or see it on a TV show. Satan planted it in my head. Maybe he whispered it in my ear or Maybe he just made me think of it, I don’t know. The older I got, the heavier my heart got, and my emotions became more intense. I continued to self-harm more often and more severely the older I got. By the time I was A freshman in highschool, I couldn’t get through a week without cutting myself. I was so far into sadness that I found comfort in it. It was peaceful for me to be sad because it was all I had ever known. I preferred the sadness over the panic and the mania. I especially preferred it over the anger I felt. I didn’t like yelling at my friends and family, but I never understood why I did it. It was so painful to not know why God had “burdened” me with all this emotion. I remember originally going to therapy for anxiety, but it quickly spiraled into many different diagnoses. I don’t think I could even name everything I’ve been diagnosed with over the years, but I know I took them all on as my identity.  I thought that this is how I would be for the rest of my life. I used to say things like “ this is just the way I am” or “There’s something wrong with me” or “ I don’t know why I feel this way”. I dug my own grave by speaking that way. I had made inner vows with myself. I was agreeing with what Satan was telling me. I continued to believe this for all of highschool, and even the summer after I graduated. I was so far gone, and so far away from God. I never understood why I was hurting so much. I remember sometimes coming home at two or three in the morning and just screaming in the kitchen. Only because my heart hurt so much. I was in agonizing pain. At the end of the summer of 2024, I relapsed on hurting myself. I had gone an entire fourteen months without it, but I let Satan sneak back into my head. I remember being in the bathroom of the Atlanta Airport, on my way to training camp, cleaning my legs trying to take care of what I had done the week before. Where was Jesus when this was happening? He was there. He was watching and weeping. He has been with me my whole life, always watching and often weeping. When I made it to training camp I was still sad, but I decided to be finished with my life before. At training camp we do what is called “revival night”. Revival night is full of prayer, testimony, and a lot of worship. One night was a baptism night. I was on my knees for hours that night. With tears rolling down my cheeks and bruises on my knees, I told God: I renounce everytime i said “this is just the way I am”. “I take the emotion from Satan and I give it to you.” “I lay this all at your feet.” I felt a weight come off of my back. I knew that in that moment I was healed. I knew Satan no longer had that foothold. God asked me to get baptised that night. I told Him I didn’t want to since I had already done so in the past. He persisted, but so did I. I told him that if he wanted me to get baptized to send someone to put their hand on my back. Immediately I felt the gentlest warm hand lay on my back. I turned around to see a girl my age, and I hugged her so tightly. It felt like the Holy Spirit was weaving in and out of our embrace. Later she told me that she was praying someone would give her a hug. Wow, God is so good. I got baptized that night, and I left my sin behind. Jesus always had a plan for my emotions. I am now able to bless others with it, and I can empathize and feel what they feel. Now when I feel His joy, I feel it so deeply, and that is such a blessing. My emotions were never a burden. Thank you Jesus. He saved and redeemed my life. He can heal all, and he can heal everything.  I am still learning a lot about who I am in Jesus, but I know I am His beloved.