As much as I want to be an eloquent and beautiful writer, God has gifted me with a brain that is much too logical. Don’t get me wrong, my blogs and papers are typically well written, but they don’t compare to some of the other much more creatively written blogs from other Racers or writers. Isn’t that beautiful in its way, though? God has gifted each of us differently, giving the world we live in the opportunity to celebrate everyone for their unique way of living. (Although, we often miss that opportunity.) It is a blessing to be good at different things because otherwise, we would all have to be good at everything, which seems exhausting. Even so, I still find myself comparing my work or accomplishments with others, and I have found that my life becomes much more enjoyable when I see the brilliance in someone else’s work and the achievements in my own work. I’m rambling now. The point is God is so loving to have created us so uniquely and to pay special attention as he handcrafted me and you in a new burst of creativity that brought glory to his name. God is proud when he looks at each of us because he so intentionally equipped us with our personalities, character traits, hair, eyes, laughter, sense of humor, etc.
Recently, I read the book of Esther. I always love reading that book. It feels like a fairytale with the heroine saving the day despite all odds against her. What has struck me the last couple of times I have read through the story, though, is how intentionally the story and the person of Esther are designed. God chose her for her purpose and equipped her for it. Firstly, Esther was placed with Mordecai, who was full of the Lord’s wisdom. The Lord knew she would need someone to speak truth into her life. God also gave her conventional beauty for her time to win the king’s favor. God placed her in this time of history to be the right age and unmarried at the right time to be eligible as a candidate to be chosen by the king. Everything was planned with such detail that it could only have been coordinated by the Lord. The Lord put so much care and effort into making sure everything was planned just right, but he still gave Esther the choice to be a part of his plan or not. Amid the Jews being threatened by Haman, Mordecai tells Esther, “…If you keep silent in this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place…. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a
time as this?” Esther was invited into the shelter of God’s plan and his kingdom, and she was also invited to partner with God and his plan. Esther could have let the enemy’s lies keep her from living boldly, but she chose to trust her God and look at the great reward she received for that boldness.
I want to be more like Esther. What opportunities have been placed in front of me? Have I chosen to let others have my portion in the Kingdom because I was too scared or didn’t understand God’s timing? Right now, the invitation before me is squad leading. God has invited me to lead and disciple this group as he disciples me through my mentor, Kara, my co-leaders, and my ministry hosts here in South Africa. We are in our final week with our ministries here, and I want to make the most of it. If there is any lesson for me to learn here, I want to learn it before I leave. I will be halfway through this trip once we leave South Africa. So, how can I seek the Lord with this squad in the short time I have left with them?
One way God has shown me how to press into this squad is by leading through the eyes of love. I like to be in control. My flesh, my natural instinct, is to want everything to be organized and neatly tucked away into the correct category. The thing about humans is we don’t exactly fit into neat categories. Our emotions definitely do not. God doesn’t 
work in categories, either. He is beyond our understanding, but he understands it all. So, to lead with God, who is the very definition of love, I need to release control. My flesh hates that. And that is the battle. Romans explains it like this: “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now, if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin.” This is so real. I love each and every person on this squad, and I want to lead them well. Sometimes, I find myself leading from control and with a lack of trust. But I am putting on the armor of God to do battle and fight to lead through the eyes of love.
Squad leading has pushed me to keep my focus on God more than I have ever had to before. Well, maybe “had to” is the wrong phrase. Perhaps it has just made me realize how deeply I needed to rely on Christ because I have learned that I actually know nothing apart from
what God gave me. While I was at leadership training, God gave me a vision, and it started on this grassy pasture where I frequently envision myself and Jesus talking. We were sitting down, and then Jesus got up and told me to follow him. I saw he wanted to take me to another green pasture on a hill, so I followed him. As we walked, we came to a valley we had to cross before we could get to the mountain, and the valley was filled with a black cloud of chaos. Jesus walked into the cloud, and his glory kept the darkness away from him. He stopped to look at me and said, “This will be hard. Do you still want to go? We can stay here instead, but the darkness won’t touch you if you keep your eyes on me.” I don’t know exactly what is on the other hill, but I will follow him anywhere if Jesus has something better for me. So, I followed him into the valley. Then, about a week later, during training camp, the Lord showed me the same vision. This time, though, as I walked to the next pasture, I noticed everything seemed 
dark and chaotic. I stopped and looked for Jesus and realized he was behind me. He watched me as I walked away and waited for me to return. When I got back to him, I told him how stressed I was. We sat down together, the chaos around us but not touching us, and he said, “Let’s sit and rest for a while.” This vision reminded me that I need to rest more with Jesus and wait to move until he moves.
Through these lessons, I have continually been reminded to turn my eyes to Jesus, and he has shown me many blessings. Here in South Africa, we live in a beautiful mission house and have been loved deeply by our host mom, Wendy. I have been blessed by the squad in seeing their boldness to share the gospel, encouraging each other through prayer, and learning to love each other well. My team, team Pikkewynne, has been another gift. They are growing in vulnerability with one another, constantly encouraging each other and me with feedback, and they pour themselves into ministry. Speaking of which, I am in love with our ministry. The family at the orphanage has cared for us so well and the kids are all so sweet. We are gifted with fun weekend adventure days like bungy jumping, a rugby game, beach days, and farmers markets.
For those of you supporting me through prayer, I have some specific prayer requests going into the second half of this trip. One, will you
pray for P-squad that they will continue to grow closer to the Lord by abiding in him and learning to be loved by him. Two, pray for me, Jaiden, Reagan, Kara, and Elijah as we continue to lead this squad as a team. In particular, pray that we will keep our eyes on Jesus and lead the squad to him rather than ourselves. We can also use prayer to plan our first debrief so that the logistics and planning go smoothly. Lastly, you can pray for more financial supporters for me. I have $1,500 left to raise, and I know the Lord will provide. If you feel led to give, thank you!
