For the first time since I began having seizures, I am two years seizure free…
At four years old I had open heart surgery. The surgery aimed to repair a hole in my heart that I was born with and remove scar tissue that had built up due to my heart attempting to repair itself. After this surgery, I began experiencing myoclonic twitches due to a mistake made by the anesthesiologist in pre-op. My eighth grade year, after a concussion, I began having seizures. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.
Four times now I have made it to one year seizure free, and I suppose after the second time I stopped truly hoping I would ever walk in freedom. As the anniversaries approached I would place a spurious smile on my face in order to thank those who congratulated me. It’s not their fault I was bitter; their eyes saw the Lord’s goodness in my life while I was still blind to it. I was caught up in my own timelines, my own emotions. I continuously pleaded with the Lord, on my knees and through tears, to remove this thing I felt was hindering me from the life He had for me. My pleading was often followed with accusation and doubting, all directed at the One I knew could heal. I fell apart in the Trinity’s presence time and time again. I fell apart into pieces showing Him the depth of my aching, anger, bitterness, confusion, depression, jealousy, and longing. I presented these feelings to God with closed hands and shaking fists. I did not open my hands to Him. I did not surrender. Instead, I came into agreement with every negative emotion and every ounce of pain. I felt sorry for myself, all the while the Lord patiently waited to crown me with His freedom and victory. All He needed was my surrender. When I at last surrendered, my weaknesses became a platform for His power to be demonstrated. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10) I began walking in freedom, despite what some may view as chains. I began walking in victory, despite every battle I seemingly loss.
My body has repeatedly failed me but I have never been left to pick up the pieces alone. I have never been alone. I can recall the moments I did not know my own name; the times I looked at loved ones with a complete loss for who they were. But one truth remained: my Heavenly Father. When I knew nothing at all, I knew Him. A quiet whisper of Jesus’ name wrapped me in all the security I could ever want while every grasp I had on reality began to slip from my hands. His undeniable presence held me in my utter vulnerability. Some days come with minimal twitching, only slight moments of being lost to the world. But other days take a deeper dependence. These days come with seizures, migraines, or what I’ve come to call, “twitching attacks”: these are not full blown seizures where I go unconscious but intense, prolonged twitching where I have a tendency to lose grip on reality all the same. Some days my pain is minimal, others I cannot get out of bed. Through it all, Abba’s love ravishes me. I believe that I have come to know a depth of His love that I may have otherwise not.
Isn’t Abba’s timing beautiful? I allowed epilepsy to keep me from traveling the world, and here I am: two years seizure free, overseas. I am called for God’s purpose. The enemy attacks those that are called, those that are valuable to the Lord’s kingdom, and in the end every attack has fallen flat. God has worked it all out for good and He will continue to. (Romans 8:28) But do not misunderstand me, I had victory before today. And if I have a seizure tomorrow, I will have victory then. And if I am not healed in this life, I will continue to walk in victory until I see Jesus face to face. All praise to the Most High.
