It’s hard to believe that I’m experiencing the last 2 months of the World Race. It won’t be long before I’m back on the plane to come home. There is a big part of me that is relieved by this, and another part of me that is afraid of what’s to come. I don’t know why I expected everything to stay the same back home while I was gone. I pictured coming home to my family just as I left them. Reality is, nothing is the same and I have no choice but to accept it. I’ve been grieving different things since my mom’s diagnosis. Even though she is still very much alive, parts of her are different and I haven’t been home to be part of that process. I know she’s still my mom and I know her hugs will still feel the same— I just never thought I would be in this position. Honestly, I wouldn’t have left for the race at all, had I known everything that was going to change this year. This year has been one of the most difficult years in my life. Being in a state of constant change, with nothing comfortable or familiar nearby, while also knowing that what was comfortable and familiar is changing at a rapid rate, and nothing is within your control, feels scary. It’s like someone is pulling the rug from under my feet every few weeks. In this place, my faith has been challenged time and time again. In this place, I ask the hard questions. In this place, God feels far away. This place is a valley and I’ve been down here for a while. I desperately want to climb up and see the glory I’ve been longing for. In this valley, I know that God is working all things out for good, in my head. In my heart, I can’t understand what he’s doing “up there.” In my head, I know that I won’t be in this place forever. In my heart, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get out. Maybe it’s not so bad down here. I feel the most human here. As difficult as it is to live as a human in a hurting world, it is so incredibly beautiful. While unpleasant emotions are, well… unpleasant… you couldn’t pay me to take them away. What is happiness without sadness? Or joy without pain? Not only that, it’s such a gift to experience God’s love in our iniquity. It’s a gift to experience his grace and mercy in such a way that only we can because we’re human. I don’t think I could experience God in this way if I was always on the mountain tops. I think I like the valley and I know Jesus is down here with me, holding my hand and patiently guiding me through it all.
