“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” As we finished the Race last month, our Indian ministry host gifted each of us a prayer shawl with 2 Timothy 4:7 patched on. I have finished the Race, but it seems as though the real race is just beginning. So, as I begin the rest of my life, here’s the question I’ll be addressing: did I get out of the Race what I had hoped to? In this reflection post, I’ll name a number of things I had talked to God about spring 2023–things I was desiring to take away from a year of mission work–and touch on whether or not those desires were fulfilled.
Healing. “It’s uncomfortable to admit, but God has called me out to a year of missions for my sake more than for the sake of the people I’ll serve,” I wrote in my first blog post, before the Race. Many of the pieces of God’s plan for my time away involved inner healing. In one area, I did not take the necessary risks and seek out the fulness of healing God had for me, so I’ve disappointed myself. In another area (sorry for my ambiguity thus far; I think it’s prudent), this was never going to be the context in which I should have expected the healing I hoped for (and I should have known that), but God knew how to use the time to humble and teach me. Yet, when it came to my emotional health, I experienced tremendous healing. I discussed this quite a bit in my blog from Romania titled “My Life is Changed!” but there is more to the story from the months that followed. After hitting a low point in Albania, and struggling to receive support in the ways I was hoping and asking for, I realized I should be looking to my relationship with God and my understanding of my True Self for the healing I needed. So, I started treating every day like it’s an adventure with God, whether or not anyone else joins us in the adventure. Instant improvement in my quality of life. This is one of the concepts behind my pictured tattoo, by the way.
Healing. Was it what I expected? For better and for worse, no. And I’m more than satisfied with that.
Focus. While in Albania, I read the book Stolen Focus (yeah, I know I mentioned it before–I could talk about it for hours), which explores the twelve main reasons our species’ ability to focus is degrading. Over the past few years, I know I’ve felt mine erode. I hoped the Race would provide slower-paced environments. “Compared to the US, what isn’t?,” I thought. I wanted less technology in my daily life (which took deliberate boundaries even in developing nations), and to discipline myself to “turn my focus outward rather than permit [myself] to retreat into my imagination and the abstract,” as I wrote in that first blog. I wanted to get my focus back in alignment with Love, the Creator of the universe.
Focus. Was it what I expected? Praise the Lord, it was. “A year of service will remind me of the joys of staying present and enjoying the world and people around me,” I accurately predicted on June 27, 2023. Staying focused will still be a daily, ongoing discipline, but the past year has helped me recover significant ground in the struggle.
Prophecy. Summer church camp, 2008. My wise, old counselor reviewed my spiritual gifts assessment and asked me what I thought my Romans 12 spiritual gifting was. I made a couple wrong guesses and flushed because my gifted ass wasn’t used to giving wrong answers. “It’s prophecy,” he revealed, “like Batman.” Superheroes were the summer’s camp theme. He went on to explain that prophecy is the articulation of God’s will. Prophets often have a strong sense of justice, like Batman, and they are inclined to helping others see clearly a vision of the Kingdom of God. Counselor Tom exhorted me, sharing how he has seen this gift at work in my life already, helping me see clearly that I set a moral example for my peers. Years later, it came as no surprise to me when I read the results of a spiritual gifts inventory I completed in Guatemala. Prophecy, right at the top. Thing is, I didn’t go into the Race wanting to learn more about this gift; I went into the Race wanting to temper this gift. I had recently been fired from a role I loved in a community I loved after exercising my gift of prophecy to address the university’s overseeing church. I had (and still have) peace about my course of action and the resulting termination, but wouldn’t it be more strategic to prophesy in a way that’s well received? I went into the Race planning to make myself more palatable. I thought it a sign of success when a coach repeatedly mistyped me as a mercy person. Mercy was my fourth highest gifting on the inventory, and it is a disposition usually at odds with prophets.
Toning down Prophecy. Was it what I expected? No! Sure, you could say I learned more about modulating my prophet nature, all according to plan. At the same time, I have to admit that God never asked me to do that. He gave me a gift that I chose to suppress rather than properly steward. I was the dude who was given one mina/talent and decided to bury it. I wasn’t trying to be someone else, per say, but I was failing to be myself as God intended. By the time the remaining 20 of us Racers cozied into a shared campus in India, I could look around and see a lot of great things. I could also see clearly some rather disappointing dynamics. To my chagrin, those disenchanting dynamics were the fruits of things I had seen coming for months, but I did a sloppy (and not even that polite), “toned-down” job of preemptively articulating them. I don’t want to let that happen in my community again, even if it costs me a job, a friend, or the favor of a Christian leader. I’m constantly scrutinizing my own heart and checking it against Spirit-led conviction, and I should trust that more. Someday I’ll be asked by a pastor to serve as an elder, because the pastor will know my habit of saying hard things comes from a place of love, and they’ll want that accountability kept close.
Direction. In Turkey, Jacob and I fasted dawn to dusk for a whole week, praying about our direction and futures. Fasting really gives lucidity to hearing what God does or does not want for me. To make a long story short, despite the Master’s degree, I won’t be continuing a career in higher education. I’m instead working on passion projects, which I’ll detail in upcoming posts! Writing, voice acting, poetry, community development, Bible study, etc. And some child care. Another aspect of “direction” I hoped to gain clarity on going into the Race is “who am I meant to minister to?” Meaning, should I focus on ministry to adults? Teens? Christian or non-believers? Kids with learning differences? You get the idea. The exact answer for me is nuanced and difficult to explain on paper, but it does, at least in part, involve children. They give me life. Hence “some child care.”
Direction. Was it what I expected? Yeah! God always delivers, peace is my compass (see tattoo), Jeremiah 29:11, and all that.
Rest. Some squadmates thought I was crazy when I told them this year of travel and service was a sabbatical for me. I love being a foreigner, and I enjoy cultural engagement, new experiences, and eating food that has never come in contact with packaging. This was a very satisfying experience for me. It was also certainly more restful than working in academia, participating in crisis response, and constantly taking initiative to steer my own life in addition to the community I was serving. Months of pretty much just following instructions from God and ministry hosts was quite restful.
Rest. Was it what I expected? Yup! However, I also learned that I love to critically think, problem solve, and manage some clear responsibilities. The six months serving as a Team Leader were actually more restful than the five months I spent needing to figure out where to direct my energy.
Mission. God was graciously straight-forward with me as soon as I signed up for the Race that He would use me to love and minister to squadmates even more than locals in each country we would visit. In the end, I believe I carried out this mission well, and that it was very important and necessary ministry to learn and grow alongside my peers. I have so much more to say on the matter, but let’s just talk about it sometime.
Mission. Check. I think Dad is proud.
Other. There are countless other things I learned while abroad. Things I took from the experience that I did not expect to. A modicum of examples: greater confidence and courage, skiing, comfort with rejection, how to ride a manual motorcycle, and several kids songs that won’t get out of my head if I start dwelling on them.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog. I had fun writing this one! Please drop a comment, however brief. I write both for myself and for others.
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