“Why do you question in your hearts?
These words Jesus spoke in Luke chapter 5 echo around my soul as I recall all the times I would question God in my own heart. How would I get out of this? Will it ever end? Where are you God? Engulfed in unanswered questions and the emptiness of a seemingly distant God, I waged war against my mind. Stuck in one place, incapable of moving myself out of it. The notion of healing was unattainable and hopelessness consumed me. How would I get out of this? Would it ever end? Where are you God?
“And behold, some men were bringing a man who was paralyzed, and they were seeking to bring him in and lay him before Jesus,”
Paralyzed for a year. My movements were rarely my own. Others would carry me along, all hoping I’d eventually receive what I needed. But healing isn’t achieved through horizontal movements alone, it requires vertical ones too.
“but finding no way to bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up to the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the midst before Jesus.”
I remember being carried around as a little kid. There were times I’d pretend to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to walk myself up the mountain of stairs into my home. I remember feeling safe as I trusted the person carrying me would deliver me safely. Being carried around now is utterly terrifying. It requires giving up control. It requires humility. Being paralyzed teaches you how to be carried. It teaches you how to let others care for you.
Trusting Jesus felt easy, until I had to give up the control of walking. Spending a year battling a depression like no other without being able to see an end crippled me. If it wasn’t for the people who sat with me and carried me I wouldn’t be alive today. My way of getting before Jesus wasn’t possible since I had allowed a crowd of distractions, pain, and doubt to fill the room up.
“And when he saw their faith, he said “Man, your sins are forgiven you.”
I love how Jesus tended to his soul before tending to the man’s body. Spiritual healing took priority over the physical. It is so easy to see with human eyes and assume the man’s needs, but God looks at the heart. I wonder how long the man had been paralyzed? Was he born that way? Was there an accident? Was it sudden? Or did it happen slowly until he realized he couldn’t move the same anymore?
People assume depression is always sudden or the symptom of catalytic events. I remember waking up day after day, feeling a little less like myself each time until one day I realized my body and I weren’t one anymore. A connection was severed, like a spinal cord. I couldn’t feel like I used to, parts of my heart grew to be foreign lands.
“And the scribes and Pharisees began to question, saying, “Who is this who speaks blasphemies? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” When Jesus perceived their thoughts he answered them, “Why do you question in your hearts?””
I felt God asking me this. Why did I question Him? Why was it so hard to trust Him? Why did I feel the need to do it all on my own? The parts of my heart that were hurting, those tender areas had felt too painful to truly surrender into His hands. I allowed God to see my brokenness, but my pride couldn’t give Him permission to touch it.
“’Which is easier? To say your sins are forgiven you, or Rise and walk?’ But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…”
Which do you find easier? Caring for the physical, immediate needs or the spiritual needs? It’s so much easier to work on the obvious things: eating, work, bills, exercise, etc., but what about the hidden things? When was the last time you allowed God to hold the paralyzed parts of your heart? Are your eyes open to seeing the brokenness in others? Caring for others is intimate and rewarding. Caring for yourself is vulnerable and humbling.
You might be asking yourself, “Wow, a whole year? Why couldn’t you just surrender immediately? How come you let your pride prevent you from an unencumbered heart?
Surrendering was a process. Just like it takes time for roots to grow deep, it takes time to uproot those same roots – even the sick and dead ones. It took a year of God presenting an area that He wanted in my life one at a time, and me releasing it. It was exhausting and felt like this journey of never ending crucifixion. But that’s the goal right?
“he said to the man who was paralyzed – “I say to you, rise, pick up your bed and go home.” And immediately he rose up before them and picked up what he has been lying on and went home glorifying God.”
I wonder how good it must have felt to feel your body again? Jesus didn’t just give the man he ability to move, He also gave him the strength to do so. Connection was restored, and where there should have been weakness there was strength. I used to be afraid that after going through depression that I would be looked upon as fragile or weak. At one word from Jesus, that man immediately got up. When Jesus speaks, He gives you the strength to respond.
Here I stand (or more accurately sit as I’m writing this) a year later. Being on my feet, my movements once again freed, and my heart shocked back into rhythm. If you’ve made it this far, you may be puzzled as the title of this blog post is “Why I am going on the world race.” This is why. The last year is why. Because I was paralyzed, and prideful, and hurting – but then God. He stayed by my side, brought me through, and healed me. Then after all of that, I spent time reconnecting with my heart and realized it was beating. I could feel my heart beating. I could feel breath entering and leaving my lungs. I was alive, but not only that, I was strong.
Next thing I knew, God spoke. “Go,” He said. I found myself standing up, feeling more alive than I’ve ever felt, and taking steps that eventually will lead me to South America.
“but finding no way to bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up to the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the midst before Jesus. And when he saw their faith…”
Why am I going on the world race? So that my faith carry others and set them before Jesus so they can receive the healing and strength only Jesus can give.
“And amazement seized them all, and they glorified God and were filled with awe, saying, “We have seen extraordinary things today.””
Why am I going on the world race? So others will witness God’s goodness and that He would be glorified.
*Bible references excerpted from Luke 5:18-26 ESV, emphasis mine.
