I’ve been on the race for 174 days with 154 days left to go. I wish I could tell you that this experience is a dream come true but if I’m being honest, it’s been so incredibly difficult. While I am beyond grateful to be traveling the world and seeing all sorts of its beauty, there have been challenges that have made me question whether or not I should keep on going. I knew that signing up to serve on a mission trip for a year came with sacrifice. I left my home, cats, family, and many other comforts behind to be here. I knew that alone wasn’t an easy decision, and could only hold onto hope that it would all be worth it in the end. I went into this mission expecting emotional healing from all of my past hurts. I trusted that God would guide me through the process. He has and I’m grateful for everything that I’ve learned out here, things have just been really hard with everything going on back home. I am overwhelmed by fear at times, thinking the worst will happen to my mom before the race is over. I couldn’t stop thinking about spending 5 more months out here while she is going through something so incredibly difficult. I want to be home, supporting, loving, and caring for her. On the other hand, I have half of a race left— more healing that I desperately need. Plus, I was worried about disappointing my supporters who graciously sacrificed for me to be here. After all of these emotions and thoughts, I felt like I needed to decide to have peace. When I prayed, I felt like God was telling me that I could choose. If you know me, you know I HATE making decisions. I asked God hoping he would give me a clear answer and he said “It’s up to you.”
Why, God?
Okay, I guess I’ll make a decision.
Staying on the race means trusting that God will continue to take care of my family. He has already done so much for them and I’ve been overjoyed with everything I’ve seen. Staying means trusting that everything is going to be okay. On the other hand, going home means trusting God as well. Trusting that he will provide a job, a place to live, and the money to get home. No matter what I choose, I still need God every step of the way. I still have to have trust.
I called my mom and talked to her about my dilemma. She also reassured me that either way, everything will be fine. So I decided to stay on the race. God brought peace and comfort the very next day. That morning, I was reading a devotional about healing and miracles. I still struggle with believing that they happen but I’m trying to dig deeper with it. At lunch, I sat with our ministry host and another girl on our team. She asked me how my morning was and I told her about the devotional and where I was at with it. She then asked our host what he thought and I could not have prepared myself for his answer. He began to share a story that sounded so familiar to my heart. A story about how his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer that spread to her lymph nodes. He had no clue that my mom was going through the same thing. He continued to share how she received treatment, the cancer is gone, and she is alive and well, spending her time ministering to women and giving them hope. He told me that before his mom was diagnosed, she was quite reserved and now, she is really bold. Hearing all of this brought tears to my eyes. My mom has been praying for boldness since before I ever knew about the race. She wants to work with trafficking victims, loving them and giving them hope for a future. I can’t help but feel relief, joy, comfort, and hope for the next half of the race. God has not only been answering her prayers for boldness but also my prayers for my mom to find her passion and significant purpose in life. She has so much to offer this world and I can’t wait for others to receive every bit of it. I’ve been so blessed learning from her throughout my life and even more blessed to call her “mom” and be loved by her.
As I reflect on all of this I can’t help but see how kind God is and how much he loves me. Every detail of this story shows exactly how intentional He is. God was not surprised by my mom’s diagnosis or even my decision to go on the race to begin with. He knew that all of these events would unfold and he placed me very intentionally in my ministry in Albania. He placed me here, knowing I would need comfort and encouragement from the people who had personal experience with cancer. There is so much peace in all of the pieces. Knowing that God loves me and my family deeply. Knowing that he isn’t surprised by anything and has made a way for us in everything. I know I’m going to be okay. I know the suffering will end. I know that healing will come. I know that the race will be worth it.
