Purpose – the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.
For the past 4 years I have been asked “What are your plans for after high school?”. Every time my answer would be “Well I want to do a gap year to figure out what I want to do”. Then one night I was laying on my floor crying to God at 2am as a senior after 4 years of that simple question “I am nothing, I have no plans, no purpose, and you’re the one who’s supposed to tell me what to do. What’s holding you up?”. Then I heard him speak to me. I was saying “I want to figure out what I want to do” I wasn’t considering the past four years of what Jesus called me to do. I had never prayed about it until that night. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a purpose or a plan. It was that I wasn’t picking up the phone when Jesus called me to hear my purpose and his flawless plan for me.
In that same moment Lord placed missions on my heart. I have gone on mission trips while growing up but the one he placed on my heart felt deeper, longer, and more challenging. That’s when I landed on World Race’s website that 2am on a Tuesday night. As I was applying tears slowly streamed down my face. I had a sense of belonging and a purpose, something I had never felt before.
Growing up it never felt like I belonged or had a purpose. I grew up in a complicated home with 4 siblings in and out of the house. I am the youngest. As I grew older everyone else did. One by one they moved out. I felt forgotten now as I am older I realize they were just starting their own lives. As I grew into a teenager things got more complicated and feelings got harder to explain. There wasn’t just sad, happy, and mad. There was two new ones called anxiety and depression. The two had me fighting to find out who I was in high school.
It all really hit Junior year. Life got real. I felt as if my entire world was falling apart at the seams. One of my siblings had been struggling with a chemical imbalance. At thetime this caused many complications, long nights, and many fights. My parents seemed to fight everyday and the fear of one leaving not just the other parent but me had me spiraling. While dealing with all my at home issues, anxiety, and depression I got into a relationship. As a teenager I was trying to learn to juggle all these things and learn how to love someone. When you didn’t grow up in a house you felt love in, how were you supposed to express love? So life got more complicated I was dealing with anxiety, depression, trying to learn to love, and live in complicated home.
As junior year went on I went through a breakup. After the breakup I felt hurt, empty, and unloved. At the time I thought I had lost everything because at home I felt like I wasn’t loved and now I was for sure not loved by anyone. Thinking that I fell into worldly things and distractions. All of the hurt and things I felt turned into anger. Anyone who said or did something I didn’t like I destroyed our relationship. On the outside I looked happy but I was miserable. I continued to struggle with worldly and questionable things. After I had lost everybody, every night for months I prayed “Lord there is nothing for me here. Nobody loves me and I have destroyed everything I have. Please don’t wake me up in the morning”. Of course the Lord had a bigger plan for me because he continuously woke me up daily.
Then June rolls around and I go to church camp. The camp I have gone for years and once loved. Before I left I said “Lord if you don’t give me signs here I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” I was DREADING church camp, but of course I went with the little faith I had. The first 3 days were rough. I laid in bed with all the free time we had crying. I was so mad I went, it felt useless. Once again God always has a plan. “Cry night” comes around we had speakers and worship music but nothing “moved me enough” I told myself. Then we get back to the cabin. I am sitting there feeling this overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame, and that I had no purpose. I spoke up to one of my friends that maybe I should talk to a camp counselor but then I tried to shake it off. Luckily God put it in my friends heart that I needed to go, so she dragged me to go speak to a counselor. I told the counselor I am fine and I don’t need to talk but again my friend pushed… so then I went to talk to the counselor.
As soon as we sat down tears started. I felt relieved and at peace. I begin to spill all the beans. Who I had been, what I have been doing, when I started feeling this way, where my heart had been, and why I had been doing all these things. The counselor began to tell me who I am in Christ and prayed over me. The very next morning the pastor at the camp preached over what the counselor had just said to me. That was my sign from God. That was my call from God there was more for me.
After camp I continuously leaned towards God in the small things. The big things I tried handling. At first it worked, but God wasn’t meant to just handle the little details he’s meant for the big stuff too. I picked and chose what God could have control over. Of course God showed me he needs control over everything when it was 2am on a Tuesday night on my cold wood floor. That night he told me who I was in him, what I was put on this Earth to do, when I was going, where he called me to be, and why he called me there. So if someone now were to ask me what I was doing after high school, I would simply say chasing after the Lord’s heart while writing love notes to him on the way.
Love,
Ellie
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